I realize this is going to sound slightly Nastasha from “Bridget Jones’s Diary” — “Does nothing work outside of London?” But this will make you appreciate your family, so I’m going ahead… I love coming to my mother’s house (our former house) which is outfitted with four incredible bathtubs, and a gourmet kitchen with a chef (My Mommy), but every once in a while, I have to venture from my luxurious digs and enter the world of country living — otherwise known as the reason I am now living in a cramped townhouse with four kids and a dog.
I finished my book (Half Broke Horses by Jeanette Walls — author of “The Glass Castle” — if you have a tendency to over-parent, read these books — besides being incredible stories, they are testament to how we were born to survive, it’s instinctual. Mesmerizing.) So I finished my book and ventured to Long’s (CVS) to get more Bubble Bath and a magazine (InStyle with Whitney Houston) and what should my wondering eyes should appear? Losers who didn’t bother to think about Christmas gifts until the day before Christmas — and then, only to find what’s left at the stinkin’ drug store.
I get that this is perhaps not a fair shake for country folk, but oh. My. Goodness. I am not in the Christmas spirit after being cut off in the parking lot by white trash in trucks, as they squeal into the parking lot to get their tin o’ popcorn and hard booze as gifts. Dude, if you were coming to my Xmas party? I’d want hard booze too. You might want to consider that people want to anesthetize their experience with you. In line, I get cut off by someone buying that nasty, gummy/eraser fruit for a fruitcake. “Lady, no one likes that crap anyway. Don’t waste your time.” Her daughter is buying rings ‘o pineapples, probably to put on top of the ham — which may be from the pig in their yard, for all I know.
Now, I have the hang of things (Be rude, consider no one else,) and I need coffee, so I squeal my little SUV into the drive-thru at Starbucks. Listen, people, you may have me in CVS, but in Starbucks? Now you’re in MY territory now and I will not be threatened. “Double shot over ice. No, no sugar.” I need the hard stuff — I’m in the country. So I wish you all a Merry Christmas. I am staying inside so that mine will be joyous. And I’ll post this just as soon as the Internet is working. It shuts down during the day — because the golf club is open. Don’t ask.