Has #SouthernCharm Jumped the Shark for Me?

It's no secret that I love me some "Southern Charm" -- but the last two episodes have left me with this icky, annoying feeling. First, there was last week opening with that bed scene with Thomas and his new child bride -- ahem, I mean girlfriend. Then, there was this week with "guy's night out" at the local bar where we got to see the pick-up styles of old-school Thomas, which harkens back to a time when bosses slapped their secretaries on the behinds and told them to run along now.

First off, as someone near Thomas's age, I find it really creepy that he hangs out in bars with twenty and thirty-year-olds. Since I have CHILDREN this age and don't date people this age, I keep thinking of myself hanging out in a bar with my boys and trying to pick up their friends. It's disgusting! I understand that it's a TV show and the old dudes came up with the concept, so they get to be in on the "fun." But it's just not so enjoyable to me to watch lecherous old dudes hitting on young women. I was a young woman once, and I remember those creeps.

On that note, Ashley, honey. Why do you allow a man to disrespect you so badly? Your ancient boyfriend stands behind you at a party and frames your bum with his hands to his friends and tells them, "I like a tiny hiney." It is VOMIT inducing. Didn't your daddy tell you how precious and beautiful you are? You're better than this. No woman should be treated like that, but in these times of the #MeToo movement, even more so.


When I was 24, I began dating my husband. He looked really young for his age, but when he told me he was 33, I was like, "HE'S SOOOOO OLD!" I can't even imagine what someone in their 50's would feel like to a woman that age. I shudder at the thought. When Thomas talks about the moon landing, that event would probably be before Ashley's parents even met and married. Does she know we landed on the moon?

My kids were raised on a steady diet of '80's trivia and classic rock from the 70's, so I'd like to think they're more well-rounded than the average 20-year olds -- but still, what does a person in their 50's have in common with someone in their 20's? Besides the obvious, I mean.

And what about Thomas Ravenel giving dating advice to JD? Dude, he's not divorced yet and he's the father of four young kids. He's not exactly prime dating material BECAUSE HE IS STILL ACTUALLY MARRIED. The way Thomas just thinks JD needs to go to the gym and leave behind the life he created with Liz is weird. Most men take care of their families. Even if they leave them. Unlike Thomas, who pays for Ashley's apartment after a week of knowing her, but lets the mother of his two kids walk around with a busted iPhone. That says a lot about character. Even if Kathryn was an egg donor and surrogate, she would have fared better than falling in love with Thomas and having his children. Think about that. It's like what, $30k an egg now?

Last night just left me grossed out. Why is Bravo allowing this gold ol' boys mentality on their supposedly forward-thinking network?

Well, maybe it's just a have/have-not way of thinking. I mean, poor Michael had to massage Cameron's feet last night. I did love this video with her explaining that she felt no pain or remorse. LOL




Schadenfreude: #90DayFiance #LoveAfterLockup

Definition of schadenfreude
: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others

I really don't enjoy other people's pain. I'm too empathetic. I feel badly and I want to rescue people from themselves. Nowhere is this more true than when I religiously watch "90 Day Fiancé." It's a train wreck. A dumpster fire. But you can't look away. You're screaming at your television set, "No girl, he don't love you!" (You have bad grammar when you're screaming at your own television set.)


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This couple is from the latest season. Molly is a bra specialist who owns and runs her own boutique -- she's also a mother of two girls. Luis is a bartender she met in the Dominican Republic. He is closer in age to her daughter than to Molly. He's also a complete jerk. I have to admit, initially, I had high hopes for Luis because one of the best love matches was a vacation romance with a guy from Jamaica and a single mom. (Melanie & Devar)


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One of the best things about their season was Melanie's sister Bev barking at her constantly of what an idiot she was being. She's say how Devar only loved her for her green card and worse. Somehow, you didn't believe Bev and you rooted for the couple -- plus Bev was just pure entertainment. Incidentally, Devar & Melanie married and just welcomed a baby. Devar, unlike Luis, was so good with Melanie's son. It just warmed my heart.

The show is hard on couples who really do fall in love and want to get married because there is such abuse of this K1 Visa to bring a would-be spouse to America. Even on the show. Alexei & Loren were very vocal about how it annoyed them because it makes it hard for real couples to obtain the visa with all the rules.

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Watching these shows is like being Sherlock Holmes himself. Or maybe a divine prophet. You feel brilliant. You can see the future. Why can't they see the future? (Granted, it's really a producer who sees the future and edits in a way that makes you feel as if you solved the crime. I love watching people give it all up for love. Because none of us can really see our own flaws or mistakes in real time. We walk into our life lessons with well-meaning friends and family shouting warnings behind us, but no. We don't listen. Because love is the strongest emotion we can experience. And it blinds us to the truth in countless ways.

Now, comes a new show that is supposed to be even more tragic than "90 Day Fiancé." Naturally, it's brought to us by the good people who brought us "90 Day Fiancé" but this show is called "Love After Lockup." You guessed it. Men and women finding love with the incarcerated. Because who doesn't love a good prison romance?

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While I may not be proud of it, I'm giving "Love After Lockup" a chance. And not because of Schadenfreude.

EDIT: I can't take the Love After Lockup. Cannot identify at all, so I'm out.


#TheBachelorFinale

I just learned I'm in for a three hour tour.  Seriously?  That never ends well.  Why on earth do they need three hours?  

We're down to JoJo and Lauren.  I love both of them, and apparently, Ben does too.  By way of excuse, he tells us he can't help how he feels.  Why can't I sum up any sympathy for him and his feels? Oh right.  Because it's kind of a douchy thing to do.

Ben's Mom Amy is disturbed by this development, but she's not Italian, so she doesn't slap him upside the head and tell him to "Snap out of it!"

LAUREN MEETS BEN'S PARENTS

Lauren is the first to show up.  She and Ben's dad discuss if they're both ready for marriage. Lauren tries to seal the deal with Ben's mom by telling her that Ben told her he loved her.  Yeah, get in line, Mom is thinking. In some eerie foreshadowing Lauren says they haven't had to deal with anything difficult.  Yet. Mom and Lauren are holding hands though. Bonding has occurred.

JOJO MEETS BEN'S PARENTS

JoJo and Ben can't stop mauling each other while meeting the parents.  JoJo gushes to his parents about how much they get along.  Ben's parents are team Lauren after meeting her, so JoJo has to prove herself.  That's sad because JoJo is awesome. She wins Dad David over, but I'm not so sure about Mom Amy. 

JoJo confronts Ben to make sure that "they're on the same page." And he answers her with a kiss and an "I love you" 

MY CHOICE

Personally, I like Ben better with JoJo, but I think Lauren seems more like approvable wife material, so I wonder if he'll pick her.  I seriously cannot believe he hasn't made up his mind yet, and hope that he's acting.  But I don't think he is.

THE PASTOR

They're teasing us with a possible wedding and have Ben's pastor standing by.  Poor guy is thumbing frantically through his Bible, hoping to find an answer as to why his on this crazy show. All that theology and it's come down to this.

FINAL DATE WITH LAUREN

They're on a catamaran cuddling until Lauren asks if he's slept and Ben says he hasn't.  Then, rather than answer the deep stuff says, "You're beautiful."  The Romeo's "Shut Up." They sit on the beach and she wants to know if there are any doubts.  He's worried things might be too good to be true and she notes his unrest -- how will they weather a storm together if they haven't been tested.  He and JoJo have been tested.  Okay, I think this is why I'm team JoJo. She voiced her opinion during the tough times.  Lauren has just kind of been perfect without questioning him.  As a woman, I'm suspicious of that. Oh, and my daughter says her contouring looks bad.  She is, however, ready to spend the rest of her life with Ben and tells him so. He tells her, "No matter what happens, you've made me a better person."  Ouch.  That is not what you want to hear from the man you're expecting an engagement ring from. She's crying as she tells the camera she can't picture her life without Ben.

She wants to lay on his shoulder and cry -- but that shoulder may be otherwise occupied, so she cries alone.

FINAL DATE WITH JOJO

 Ben's face lights up when he sees JoJo.  They're just joined at the lips when they see each other.  JoJo is confident that she will Ben's wife, which of course, on "The Bachelor" does not bode well for her. They're swimming in the "Blue Hole" -- ie., the pervert producers want JoJo in a bikini again.  If Ben has already decided on Lauren, his lips haven't caught up with his brain because he's making the most of this date.

Ben tells JoJo he doesn't know who he wants to propose to -- at least they discuss it.  I feel like they're more real. But perhaps they just have more drama. He tells her that she has become his best friend. Then, they have a deep conversation on the bathroom floor.  He admits that he loves Lauren too.  And that he told Lauren the same thing.  They end the date telling each other, "I love you."

Ben tells us he's a confused man.  Are we supposed to feel sorry for him? 

NEIL LANE

Neil Lane arrives and says, "Tell me about her."

"Uh, which one?" He doesn't really ask, but he does.  Neil looks confused.  He picks either a cushion cut or an emerald cut and apparently, is confused no more.   

THE END:

Lauren looks amazing in a royal blue full-length sheath dress.  JoJo looks amazing in a baby pink beaded gown that show off the assets she clearly paid for.  Not that she doesn't look great, but what is it about a girl with implants that they must share them with us all? 

JOJO

When JoJo arrives first, she says she's not running from this and Ben is just downright cruel.  "I found love with you, but I found it with somebody else, more."  He says he doesn't question that he does love her -- uh dude, and you're going to get engaged?  Take some time.  Even that loser with the bar in Texas walked away rather than propose when he didn't know.  She says, "It's fine."  We all know that it isn't. She chastises him for telling her he loved her. They hug and she gets the limo ride from the dark side.  Can they not spring for a box of Kleenex?  At least a roll of toilet paper?  Why has no one ever stuffed a tissue in their bra?  They always get blindsided.

She still says she can't hate him.  She was so in love.  I can't even be excited to watch the proposal because I feel badly for JoJo.  Truthfully, I can say goodbye to Lauren, but I'm sad to see JoJo go.  ; (

LAUREN 

The phone call is to Lauren's dad.  Ben wants to make her the happiest woman in the world -- well, that was a quick recovery.   Lauren tells Ben that she wanted their time on the porch to be the "last first kiss" she ever had and that "you're my person.  I love you."  So cute.

Ben tells her he came into this worrying that he was unlovable.  That they had a journey full of goodbyes, but he never wants to say goodbye to her.  He gets down on one knee and asks.  She says yes, and he slides a freaking ice cube on her finger. He tells her, "You're my person." 

They're engaged.  Why did that feel like such a letdown? 


#TheBachelor -- Week 4 My Recap

"Vegas is a place where you do find love."  No, it's not.  It's a place where you find viral infections, but let's get started.  The Bachelor is in Vegas -- let the drama begin!

The twins -- who share one brain -- were raised in Vegas.  That was not nice.  I'm snarky tonight.  Sorry, girls.  You're going home, that's a good thing, right?  The-Bachelor-Ben-Higgins

The girls go nuts seeing their names on a light-up sign.  It's so reminiscent of the puppet show edition of "Burning Love" -- A Bachelorette parody.  Everyone goes nuts for a puppet show.  We open in the gym with the twins on the same treadmill.  They should really be on the Utah version of the Bachelor -- someone looking for two wives might be better for them.

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Jojo gets the one-on-one and they get taken out by a wind gust from the helicopter.  This is entertainment. They have great chemistry and keep kissing.  This sends Olivia -- who is planning her wedding into full "Single White Female" mode.  Especially when she finds out she's on the next group date. 

Jojo uses her date to whine about all her insecurities because of her last boyfriend.  What about going on a date?  Don't people have fun anymore?  Or do they just vomit up all their issues? I guess you are on a fast track to love. Ben shuts her up by kissing her.  And she gets a rose.  Score one for chemistry. Now they're on the top of a building watching Fireworks.  Man, the producers have run out of creativity.

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With each explosion, a little piece of Olivia's heart breaks off.  

GROUP DATE: Talent Show

The twins are grateful for their mom enrolling them in Irish dance.  Olivia grabs up the sparkle striptease outfit, and she's going to do "whatever it takes." The puppeteer lets them know that Vegas audiences are the new "Night at the Apollo."  

 The twins' Riverdance is actually really impressed.  I'm swayed.  Jubilee plays the cello.  Is there anything that girl can't do?  I have such a girl crush.  I want to be her!

The grand finale is Olivia popping out of a cake in a cape, sparkly bikini and a complete lack of talent. To all this awkward would be a compliment. Then, she has a panic attack -- which she does well. Poor thing. She actually looks gorgeous while she has it.  That's something!

Caila gets some alone time and turns into a "tigress." Lauren H kisses a puppet -- and it's sweet.  She and Ben are cute together.  Olivia needs to talk.  She's mortified.  Her explanation is actually worse than the "dance." He tells her she shouldn't be embarrassed and then, one of the twins "steals" him. 

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Then, Lauren B comes along and it feels all over again.  They are so cute together and he just instantly goes toward her.  She lets us know she's terrified.  They actually have a real conversation and it feels the most normal.  The, we go back to Olivia's neuroses. 

The rose goes to...Lauren B.

ONE-ON-ONE with BECCA:

Becca receives a wedding gown and they head to the Little White Chapel -- no doubt to be married by Elvis or the like.  -- oh no, he's ordained and they're going to marry other people.  They marry a very sweet couple and my daughter tells me if this is her wedding, please just do her in then and there.  LOL Apparently, she does not want to get married in Vegas.  

Wow, they married a ton of couples.  Then, they go to the NEON museum, which I'm pretty sure is haunted.  I think I saw it on one of my ghost shows.  LOL  Oh, on a sidenote, I have a friend who moved into a haunted complex and the stories have been way fun. 

Becca bores me.  Can you tell?  I'm wishing for a Supernatural event. 

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Becca gets the rose.  Snore.

 The twins get a "two-on-one" -- probably so Ben can put an end to this madness. They, of course, think he's going to send one of them home.  I'm going out on a limb and saying, I think he sees an easy way to drop them off without airfare.  Nope, he's sending Haley home -- or leaving her there, since they're at her mom's.  Emily goes off in the limo and leaves her sister behind.  That sucks. Finally though, we see the real them and not just the vapid act they put on.

 At the cocktail party, Olivia steals him yet again for her latest version of "Canklegate."  Ben has had it with her neuroses.  As we all have.  Go. Away!

Going home:  Amber (good, she was a mean girl this season who picked on Jubilee -- girl, she's a Vet, she could take you out!) She curls up in a fetal position and comes to the conclusion that television is probably not the place for her to find romance.  

Rachel -- who hasn't gotten enough screen time for us to miss.

Next week they're showing Jubilee becoming a little undone.  This is not what I want to see.  : ( 


#TheBachelorette Finally

I am making my way through the Bachelorette, but it is hard-going. I'm still having trouble telling one guy from the next, so forgive me, but my attention wanders.

The comedy night was enjoyable watching Amy Schumer take down J.J. -- there's nothing better than watching someone who needs a healthy dose of humility eat humble pie. Amy served it up.

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I didn't get the underwater date. That was weird, but Kaitlyn used it as an opportunity to kiss another guy. As far as she's concerned this is the salad bar of dating, and she's going to taste everything.

Now, onto Tony, who is a "healer" -- since he's probably not an Anime character, I'm going to assume he does some kind of New Age job. He tells Kaitlyn he was afraid of her. "Why?" she asks. (Because I'm ugly and have never had a girlfriend -- just kidding, that was my daughter's answer for him.) For a guy who is so in touch with listening to signs from the universe, he is apparently deaf about their "connection." I think the universe should send lightning next time. He gets into a long conversation with himself about how interesting he is. It's a level he's been craving. Let me translate. "I do all the talking and she just looks at me like I'm nuts and I discern this as love and admiration. We're all good here!"


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Now, there's a single dad who says, "I want to know everything about you." Does that creep anyone else out? I would hate a guy saying that to me. You know, chill dude. He has a 3 year old daughter and I don't know his name. Oh, it's J.J. The guy who got schooled by Amy, and he gets the rose. Wow, she has some bad taste!

Then, another guy takes her outside and makes out with her. Okay, do you remember that girl in seventh grade who went outside the party with every guy? I mean, I'm having flashbacks here. This last one is Joe, and he's says it's the perfect night with the perfect person.

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J.J. being the consummate jerk he seems to be enjoys watching everyone else squirm without a rose. Classic. What a catch. I would love to watch this show with his ex. I bet she could add some real insight.

I really like Ian. He's a quality human being and when he's with Kaitlyn, I like her more. So he's a front-runner for me, but my favorite is definitely the guy with the bulldogs, because I love bulldogs and he made me laugh.
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Kaitlyn gets into an awkward confrontation with Kupah. They're just missing each other and don't communicate well. Next. Oh wait, no. He gets ugly. He's not emotionally balanced in my opinion -- first action is to go on the attack. Not a good sign. He. Needs. To. Stop. Talking.

But he doesn't, so he's going home. Kupah is losing his *&*&


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Maybe next week, I'll have a better idea of the guys, but wow...so far, there aren't a lot of keepers.


#TheBachelorFinale Part II

WHITNEY

Their last date is, wait for it, picking corn. I'm not sure how there is corn in all that brown but Whitney acts like she's spending the day in Fiji so it hardly matters. She squeals her excitement while the combine does its thing. She starts to cry telling us this could be her future. Girl, I feel ya. I'd cry about that too.

Now they're headed to his place. He explains how the house is a blank slate. (Um, too easy. Never mind.) She's ready to move in and begins to narrate how everything is in this moment. This was the key. She's been waiting to get "here" and it feels right. Chris is trying to be convinced. He's waiting for that lightbulb moment where he knows Whitney is the one. Is he waiting for Becca to tell him?

He asks Whitney what makes her so certain. Still on a job interview, Whitney answers, "I'm glad you asked that question." The, more blah blah blah. Chris tells her he's excited about being in this place. Then, they kiss awkwardly. I'm so not into this couple, can you tell? They have the passion of paint.

Now we're at the finale moment...on the farm...in a barn. Let the romance begin! He's standing in a barn where he raised his first pig. Be still my heart!!


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(Prissy Pig & Poppleton -- I follow them on Instagram #ReallyIDo)

As he waits to say goodbye to Becca --he says he hopes he's making the right choice. Just what every woman expecting an engagement ring wants to hear. I have never understood the sweet speech before the bachelor gets ready to dump someone, but that's what we have going on. He tells her he has to go with his heart and his gut (and go for the low-hanging fruit because he's lazy and full of fear.)

As a romance author, I abhor when someone picks the practical over love. Becca gives the sweetest speech and says he's going to be an amazing husband and right there, he knows he's made the easy/wrong choice because Becca is like, "Yeah. Do what you gotta do." It's by far the warmest Bachelor goodbye in history. Once in the limo, Becca proves why she's the catch of the century and she'll be fine. I don't think she was just confused. I think she needed more time to process her feelings and waiting isn't going to hurt her.

We're back at the barn. Which is decorated like a bad Sadie Hawkins/Cracker Barrel and still looks...exactly like a barn.


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Whitney is shaking when she arrives. She is so worried it's not her that I actually see a glimpse of the "REAL" her finally. She is human and there might be more to her than we saw due to editing. He seems far more certain than he's been, which makes me wonder if it was editing all along. He finally tells her he loves her and we worry she might implode.

But then...there's more. He bends down on one knee and hands her a Neil Lane that might make Iowa worth it. Dang!


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They show them in the barn and do an overview of the expanse of corn fields. Seriously, that ring would just get caught on the washer. I speak from experience. Anyway, I feel meh. Did you feel more romance?


#TheBachelorFinale Part I

First, let't start with how ridiculous it is to have a three hour finale. They're in Iowa. Nothing has happened worth watching for three hours in Iowa since...I don't know. has anything ever happened in Iowa?

Next, let's discuss how we want to buy Chris Harrison a new cache of adjectives. "Most Dramatic" and "amazing" definitely need to go.

WHITNEY VS. BECCA
Chris Soules is "in trouble" --basically, we know Whitney is the "sure thing." She's all-in. Becca. Well, he might actually have to put some effort into her, and we're seeing that Chris is a bit passive, so that's probably a deal breaker.

WHITNEY
One reason I'm glad Whitney is in the finale is that there is no chance of her being the next Bachelorette and us having to listen to that voice for much longer. Whitney chooses a plaid romper for her date. She is selling herself hard to the family. She doesn't come up for air and manages to make herself cry on cue. She does feel like she's fooled the sisters. I mean, sold.

Detour: Does anyone else feel like Chris has completely sold out on this whole "Iowa" business when he's signed up for "Dancing with the Stars?" To me, it's kind of a betrayal to the whole "I need someone who can live in Arlington" narrative.

Chris' sister points out that Whitney is ready. That she's lovely, but because Chris can't articulate what he loves about her maybe that's a red flag. Or maybe Chris can't articulate the difference between a cornstalk and his pants...

Chris' mother asks why Whitney loves her son. This woman could sell ice cubes to an eskimo and turns on the tears. Chris' mother will love anyone he brings home. She's just good people. Whitney leaves confident she's locked this thing down.

BECCA

When asked about Becca, Chris can articulate what he loves about her.
1. Great sense of humor
2. Great person
3. Great head on her shoulders
4. Knows what she wants

Compared to Whitney:
1. She's willing to move here now.

Chris' family is a little more direct with Becca and it's pretty obvious they are rooting for Whitney at this point. Which means Chris, who has no will of his own, will most likely pick Whitney.

Becca gets grilled by the sisters and points out, look I know that Whitney is ready to come here and have babies. I'm still sorting out that the post office is your entire downtown. Becca basically says she's waiting to see where this goes --ie., she's not ready and won't be rushed. They've judged her as a California girl already. Yeah, what of it, Iowa chicks? We have a song about us, so forget your judgmental garbage.

The sisters, continuing with their extremely bad advice, tell Chis he needs to push Becca. I'm sorry, have you met your brother? Chris is calmer about the situation and it seems, willing to wait it out.

Chris' mom is lovely and she asks Becca what she loves about her son. Becca is honest enough to say she's not at the point where she's in love with him. Which, if I'm reading between the lines, I would say mom blames on her being from California. But maybe I'm just sensitive. Mom basically tells Becca she is in love with Chris --she just doesn't know what to call it. Their conversion is honest and raw. Not shallow and "all the right words" like we got from Whitney. I love how Becca asks for advice, and Chris' mom offers great words of wisdom. Mom claims, "I don't think she recognizes that what she's feeling for Chris is love."

Right now, I'm thinking if Chris picks Whitney, maybe "Dancing with the Stars" will break them and Becca will be ready. The family discusses it and the BIL has the right answer, "This is not an analytical question." So true. Love is often the "wrong choice."

Chris' father says "I think Whitney is the sure thing, but Becca is who Chris wants." Ouch.

My DVR didn't tape (COMCAST!!) So I'm having to sit through commercials. Sigh.


#TheBachelor Monday -- ADD style -- My patience ran out...

Chris meets up with Becca and they have a quiet talk (how novel) Becca is one of those women who doesn't translate well to the show because she's not a big mouth, but she'd be a great wife. She admits that she's never been in love, but she was on-and-off with her boyfriend for four years. I'm going to take this to mean, Becca is not great at decision-making.
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She's not desperate to get married and she's very practical. It's not a problem for Chris that she hasn't been in love before, but he wonders is there the potential for her to fall in love with him? Then, they make out on the balcony.

Britt announces to the girls that she's leaving, and quite frankly, her excuse makes sense. Then, she backtracks and basically if Chris can make it up to her, maybe she'll stay. Carly gives her the death stare. I'm over Carly, can you tell? Whitney says looks aren't everything --I don't actually think it's the looks that connect the two of them. She is beautiful, but that chemistry is not about looks. And it was apparent.

I'll be interested to see if this is a manipulation to get her way, or she really does consider leaving. SHe talks it out, decides to leave and then can be heard BAWLING outside before the rose ceremony. Britt may be young and naive,but Carly's just mean. She's basically off-screen relishing Britt's pain saying now she knows how it feels. Who does that? Relishing in another person's pain is not nice Carly!


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This rose ceremony in the MIDDLE is messing with my mind. Are we in a time continuum? Carly is going home! YAY. I'm not sad. She just got mean in the end. What was up with her and Britt? She should have focused on her relationship with Chris. I hate when girls claim it's always them that gets dumped and gives that whole, I'll never have a relationship vibe when they leave. I know it feels like that when there's a breakup, but why does it feel that way when there are 25 other women pawing at the same guy. Carly, you get to cruise around the world doing what you love. Or you could be in Arlington. Did you really lose?

We're in Shreveport, Louisiana for Becca. Seriously, how could you leave that food FOR ANY MAN?? But Becca, a virgin, tells Chris he will be the first guy she's bringing home,"No pressure." It is seriously so beautiful there -- I cannot imagine giving that up. Paradise with great food...Clearly, I'm not ready for this kind of relationship.

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Becca's sister tells Chris that basically, Becca is stone-cold and unaffectionate. That Becca touching his knee was shocking. You can see the wheels in Chris' head turning and he's thinking, what are we going to do on the farm, play Scrabble?

I realize at this point, this is what bugs the heck out of me about Chris. He believes EVERYONE. No matter what they say. No matter if the facts check up with what he knows, nothing. He just is so gullible and the thing is, that's not heroic. A real hero? Will let no one speak against the woman he loves. If you can't stand for something Chris, you'll fall for anything!

Becca's mom tells Chris that he can't be pawing on other women if she's kissing on Becca because it means something to Becca. And tells him don't break her heart. "Be sweet. Be tender." I think Becca deserves better. A nice guy who lives in Shreveport and enjoys the art of food. That is my wish for her.

Next up: Chicago and Whitney. She asks him to go and make a baby -- and takes him to her fertility nurse job. She's really passionate about her job -- the other nurse gives him a cup -- this is incredibly awkward and she says, "You know I wouldn't do that to you." And we all feel the relief.

Chris asks her who he would need approval from to marry her, since her parents aren't in the picture? That melts my heart. They have a lovely dinner. Whitney's sister is a bit harsh. I think that would be me if some guy came around like that. Okay, I'm out of patience. I'll watch the rest later.

I know Jade is going home because she was a bad girl and posed nude. I feel really awful for her because she seems like such a sweet girl. Why would she do something so stupid? At the same time, I know how seductive those photographers can be when these girls are trying to start a modeling career, so I won't judge her. She also needs more out of life than Chris' farm, I think.

I should also say, I don't care who he picks because the girls left are all lovely. That has never happened before.


#TheBachelor Mini-Series Starts Now...

HOUR ONE

First up, we have private time with Kelsey -- so she can turn on the waterworks and act innocent. She even uses the word, narcissistic -- to deny it. She's shocked that the girls didn't really like her. Um yeah, let me remind you all of how they handled her departure.

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Chris asks her about the panic attack, and she says she felt flooded. There were too many emotions amassing. Which is a lot of big words to say, she'd never had a panic attack, but because she works in mental health, she knew what it was. Then, while she explains how smart she is, but doesn't think she is smarter than Ashley I, the producers juxtapose all of her nasty, Gone Girl comments in between her words. Well done, producers.

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Kelsey says she's afraid the women-tell-all will become a "Crucifixion." Seriously? Another big word that I'm not sure she knows what it means...

Next up, Chris Harrison confronts Chris for ratting Ashley I out to Kelsey. He says that was a tough situation to be in, and it was the only way to get to the bottom of the story. To his credit, he does admit he knew nothing about women at that point. Ya think? He'd better learn, or he may end up on an episode of "Snapped."

Then, they show Ashley "the crazy one" wandering around at night by herself. I'm not finding this funny at all. She seems bipolar in the midst of mania. Not entertaining at all. I hope she is well and happy.
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Jillian, black bar chick, gets sent home because her "Would you rather?" questions. I would have liked to have heard his answer to be honest.

Next up, Chris and Carly's awkward sex guru date in New Mexico...yes, it was awkward. Next. Britt arriving and their unnatural, electric chemistry starting with the first night kiss and then, him trying to explain himself the night of the Big & Rich concert. Man, he deserved to get lambasted after that. That was just MEAN. Especially to Whitney, who loves country music.


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Before the new Bachelor, we have to hear Andi (last season's Bachelorette) about her breakup with Josh. Show of hands: Who is surprised? I mean, you pick the shallow athlete type who has hurt you time and time again. Why would you think you're were getting a different ending? So frustrating. She needs a copy of "Smart Women, Foolish Choices." And I'm not even a Dr. Laura fan!


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When they're on the premiere show and realized that they hadn't set a date, reality set in and they decided they weren't a great couple. They didn't bring out the best in each other. Good for them for noticing before the wedding.

Through the tears, I'd sum it up like this. They're both control freaks. Neither one will budge, so they can't talk to one another and it's over. She calls it a failure, her first big failure and that tells you a lot about why it doesn't work. She's lovely, but she needs to grow up.

HOUR TWO
A fresh episode starts now and we're back in Deadwood, South Dakota. Seven girls arrive via Stagecoach. Britt asks what happened in the Badlands and they tell him they're proud of him for seeing through the Ashley I and Kelsey. I think Ashley I was a nice, smart girl. She was just young. And Kelsey's in love with her story, so she'll continue to write it.

Chris tells Megan, it's time to exit. She handles it well and with grace and agrees with him. She's a quality lady, she'll have no problems finding the right guy, and she won't have to live in freaking Iowa. A town of 400! That would be hard after Nashville.

Chris announces someone else is going home tonight,and the look on Whitney's face is priceless. She's about had enough -- but she's worried for Carly, not herself. Chris announces they're all going to "God's country" -- Iowa! The biggest producer of corn. (Thank you Trivia Crack!)

Jade gets the first one-on-one and that's actually her second. In Arlington, Chris is there talking to the cows. Because let's be honest, there is no one else to talk to. That's a great life for someone who wants it. I think I'd hurt myself. Though I loved being in rural Morgan Hill today away from everything --but you're twenty minutes from society, so that's the difference. Morgan Hill:


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(Twenty minutes to the Prada store & Nordstrom --that's the difference!)

Chris shows Jade his house, which she claims has a Bachelor feel. She is from a small town, so she's not going in blind. That's in her favor, but she hasn't announced the "Playboy" LA thing yet. There is not even a grocery store in town. Just a bunch of empty buildings in town. I think Jade is hyperventilating. They don't even have a coffee shop. Some old guy in town goes into an empty building in the morning and brews coffee. I sort of love that. But it would be hard on a woman. You'd have to join the PTA, just so you had a posse. I mean, it kind of makes sense why women have bake-offs in small towns. There's no one to appreciate your shoes!

Jade's small town is starting to feel like a Metropolis. He's taking Jade to a high school football game. She gets to meet the parents. They seem very sweet. Now, they walk through the halls of his high school and relive his glory days. Cue Bruce Springsteen. Then, they make out against the lockers. Ah, love.

Outside, the crowd chants "Kiss Chris!" and it's like the end of "Never Been Kissed."

HOUR 842 OF OUR CAPTIVITY
Whitney gets the next one-on-one in Des Moines. They go to an art show in town -- which is kind of a ratchet little setup in the midst of an old city hall. But there is a purpose. They're going to document their love in photographs. They kiss a lot and hope to be Instafamous. Whitney hopes they can share these photos with their kids. I do too and I wish everyone else could get a fantastic trip to Italy. If you went on this show to travel, this is an "epic fail" season to have selected.

The gals back at the house decide to go to Arlington themselves and check things out. They want to know if they passed the hotel. You did. The hotel was back in Des Moines three hours away -- where he left you. Carly gets a sign when a picture of Jesus that hung in her grandparents' house is also hanging in the closed library.

They find some locals and ask for a restaurant. "Not in Arlington."
"What do people do here?"
"They go elsewhere." This is the pastor talking and he tells them about Cedar Rapids which is where everything is happening. And it's about an hour away.

Whitney gets to meet three "fans" who turn out to be three of Chris' best friends. Whitney gives them all hugs. She is sweet as pie, but her voice is how I imagine Owen Meany's to be.

Back at the hotel, Britt is talking herself in circles about how maybe she could live there.Carly's not buying it. First off, can you imagine Britt in full makeup walking down Main Street? They'd think the brothel from the 1800's had reopened.

Carly gives us a hand puppet show to mimic Britt and it just annoys me.

Whitney now explains that there is no one to meet on the hometown essentially. Her mom has passed on, and she doesn't have a relationship with her dad. Outside a crowd has gathered and there is a cheesy, pasted-together mural on the wall that looks nothing like them. Whitney acts as if it's the Mona Lisa. She cannot believe it's there forever. "Forevah, evah?" Yes Whitney, until the local gangs tag the wall. Do they have gangs in Des Moines? Actually, to give the artist props, that was a lot of work in a short amount of time.

The likeness is uncanny.
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Jade tells the girls she has to tell Chris about her Playboy tryout. Carly is understanding, then snarks to the cameras, "Hey Mom, don't Google my wife." I'm totally ready to put Carly back on the cruise ship.

The Group Date is with Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn-- they're going ice skating.

My neighbor is getting pizza. Would it be rude to ask if he wants company? It's Domino's. Meh. Britt sneaks off with Chris and tells him they went to Arlington. Britt says, and i quote, "I loved it."

I think she does not know what that word means. Let me translate: I'm going to win. Because we can just kiss all the time and I won't notice where I am.

Carly is this season's Jake Pavelka. She's going to tell Chris about Britt and rescue him. She tells Chris that Britt says she could never live there. I hope he's learned something from Kelsey and Ashley and doesn't run right to Britt.

He decides to confront Britt. Which annoys me. When will he learn if you ask a liar for the truth, they will lie again if they have an agenda. His face changes when she absolutely denies that she ever said no way. She says she wants to be a Mom, and they kiss again. He's dumb as a box of rocks at this point.

Kaitlyn gets the rose and we watch Britt blow steam from her nose while they play ID Network music. Britt throws a little hissy fit while showing us though there is nothing to do in Iowa, she didn't have time to paint her nails. She confronts Chris that she doesn't want to be second,third or even fourth best to her future husband. Carly just sits by and rolls her eyes. Chris says, "Maybe you feel like you don't want to be here anymore."

Chris tells her it's an inappropriate conversation and gets the heck out of dodge. That was a complete waste of time. Brain cells lost: 3042



#Bachelorette Hometowns -- My Take

First up? Nick in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. They tour a brewery, sample a "Nick & Andi" beer and do the polka. The polka makes me happy. How can you not be happy when an accordion is in full gear? Nick seems normal for the first time. He has ten siblings, so really, how normal can anyone be from that big of a family?

Andi talks to Maria, Nick's sister. She's worried about her brother's heart being broken. Truly, he's beaming when he talks to his mother. It's kind of sweet. And can I just say, his mom is beautiful and that would be without having 11 kids.

Nick says he doesn't want to be the guy who is afraid because he's had his heart broken before. That's how love is. You have to be all-in --to risk getting hurt for real love. I have to admit, I get it for the first time with Nick.

And...then, he wimps out and doesn't say he loves her. Bwamph Bahhhh

C'est la vie. There's three more where he came from. Now we're in Arlington, Iowa with Chris. And may I just say, I would stab myself if I lived there. I totally admire people who can live the simple life. But wow, all that flat. I mean, I love a cow, but they are basically your neighbor in this town. I will agree with Andi that Chris looks hot on the farm, and I imagine he'll have girls lining up to be a farm girl. Chris has a great house on the farm and he shows Andi his tractor.

Chris would be a great Bachelor. He could make all the girls milk a cow, and drive a tractor. That would be a change of pace. Chris makes a picnic. At least, I like to think he made the picnic. It was probably some producer's lackey.

For their date, Marcus decides to reenact his striptease. Ooo-kay.

Andi asks him what she'd do there, and Chris answers, "There's an opportunity to be a homemaker." Okay, and the young ladies across America just swooned. Then, a plane swoops out of the sky and trails behind it, a sign that reads,"Chris loves Andi."

Too bad Andi isn't for him. I have a feeling he won't be lonely for long. FarmersOnly.com probably just had a huge uptick in membership. His family is so warm, I think a lot of city girls may have just converted. Chris has three sisters and his mother, oh how I love his mother. She tells Chris that she was born in the town, and she'd never lived on a farm, but when 'he'd get out of the tractor, it would just stop my heart.' How beautiful is that?

The mom implores Andi to make a good decision. Yeah, that's probably not going to happen.

Now we're in Tampa, FL with Josh, and we'll soon be hearing how he was a baseball player. Did he mention that yet?

Her chemistry with him is definitely the strongest. I think actually, Nick would be a better pick for her, but I think the chemistry between her and Josh is going to strike out the practical.

I used a baseball reference!!! Yay me!

They play, SURPRISE! baseball. Then, they have a series of short conversations, punctuated by grabbing at each other.

Before they meet the family, Andi is worried that it's going to be all about Aaron, Josh's little brother who may be drafted to the NFL. I can only hope if he's not drafted, he gets over it before Josh did.

Josh and Aaron start talking football and Andi is annoyed. She does not like being in the background, and cannot handle that Andi and Josh don't get the spotlight with the family. Waaahh!

Okay, if Andi picks this guy, she cannot whine. She knows what they're about. Sports, sports, and more sports. Truthfully, they don't seem like a family that is willing to accept another person into their clique. Seems like any woman would come second. They play football in the front yard. I have to say, of all the families, this one would be hard on a gal.

Now, we're in Dallas, Texas and with all sincerity, I had no idea this guy's name was Marcus, or that he was still around.That can't bode well for his chance at success with Andi. He's said he's in love, and she hopes her feelings can catch up.

Andi never shuts up and Marcus' sister Cassie doesn't get a word in edgewise. My son just came in and said if he ever went on this show, he'd hire a fake family just to mess with the girl. I have no idea why. We have to be weirder than anyone he could hire.

The remaining cast members are now hearing about Eric's death. So sad.

Then, Marcus gets sent home. Double whammy, poor guy. This season of "The Bachelorette" definitely should offer nightly prozac when you watch it. It just has this depressing feeling. Marcus is going on about how he believe in something that wasn't there and now he feels like an idiot. Join the club, Marcus. We've all been there.