First up, we have private time with Kelsey -- so she can turn on the waterworks and act innocent. She even uses the word, narcissistic -- to deny it. She's shocked that the girls didn't really like her. Um yeah, let me remind you all of how they handled her departure.
Chris asks her about the panic attack, and she says she felt flooded. There were too many emotions amassing. Which is a lot of big words to say, she'd never had a panic attack, but because she works in mental health, she knew what it was. Then, while she explains how smart she is, but doesn't think she is smarter than Ashley I, the producers juxtapose all of her nasty, Gone Girl comments in between her words. Well done, producers.
Kelsey says she's afraid the women-tell-all will become a "Crucifixion." Seriously? Another big word that I'm not sure she knows what it means...
Next up, Chris Harrison confronts Chris for ratting Ashley I out to Kelsey. He says that was a tough situation to be in, and it was the only way to get to the bottom of the story. To his credit, he does admit he knew nothing about women at that point. Ya think? He'd better learn, or he may end up on an episode of "Snapped."
Then, they show Ashley "the crazy one" wandering around at night by herself. I'm not finding this funny at all. She seems bipolar in the midst of mania. Not entertaining at all. I hope she is well and happy.
Jillian, black bar chick, gets sent home because her "Would you rather?" questions. I would have liked to have heard his answer to be honest.
Next up, Chris and Carly's awkward sex guru date in New Mexico...yes, it was awkward. Next. Britt arriving and their unnatural, electric chemistry starting with the first night kiss and then, him trying to explain himself the night of the Big & Rich concert. Man, he deserved to get lambasted after that. That was just MEAN. Especially to Whitney, who loves country music.
Before the new Bachelor, we have to hear Andi (last season's Bachelorette) about her breakup with Josh. Show of hands: Who is surprised? I mean, you pick the shallow athlete type who has hurt you time and time again. Why would you think you're were getting a different ending? So frustrating. She needs a copy of "Smart Women, Foolish Choices." And I'm not even a Dr. Laura fan!
When they're on the premiere show and realized that they hadn't set a date, reality set in and they decided they weren't a great couple. They didn't bring out the best in each other. Good for them for noticing before the wedding.
Through the tears, I'd sum it up like this. They're both control freaks. Neither one will budge, so they can't talk to one another and it's over. She calls it a failure, her first big failure and that tells you a lot about why it doesn't work. She's lovely, but she needs to grow up.
A fresh episode starts now and we're back in Deadwood, South Dakota. Seven girls arrive via Stagecoach. Britt asks what happened in the Badlands and they tell him they're proud of him for seeing through the Ashley I and Kelsey. I think Ashley I was a nice, smart girl. She was just young. And Kelsey's in love with her story, so she'll continue to write it.
Chris tells Megan, it's time to exit. She handles it well and with grace and agrees with him. She's a quality lady, she'll have no problems finding the right guy, and she won't have to live in freaking Iowa. A town of 400! That would be hard after Nashville.
Chris announces someone else is going home tonight,and the look on Whitney's face is priceless. She's about had enough -- but she's worried for Carly, not herself. Chris announces they're all going to "God's country" -- Iowa! The biggest producer of corn. (Thank you Trivia Crack!)
Jade gets the first one-on-one and that's actually her second. In Arlington, Chris is there talking to the cows. Because let's be honest, there is no one else to talk to. That's a great life for someone who wants it. I think I'd hurt myself. Though I loved being in rural Morgan Hill today away from everything --but you're twenty minutes from society, so that's the difference. Morgan Hill:
(Twenty minutes to the Prada store & Nordstrom --that's the difference!)
Chris shows Jade his house, which she claims has a Bachelor feel. She is from a small town, so she's not going in blind. That's in her favor, but she hasn't announced the "Playboy" LA thing yet. There is not even a grocery store in town. Just a bunch of empty buildings in town. I think Jade is hyperventilating. They don't even have a coffee shop. Some old guy in town goes into an empty building in the morning and brews coffee. I sort of love that. But it would be hard on a woman. You'd have to join the PTA, just so you had a posse. I mean, it kind of makes sense why women have bake-offs in small towns. There's no one to appreciate your shoes!
Jade's small town is starting to feel like a Metropolis. He's taking Jade to a high school football game. She gets to meet the parents. They seem very sweet. Now, they walk through the halls of his high school and relive his glory days. Cue Bruce Springsteen. Then, they make out against the lockers. Ah, love.
Outside, the crowd chants "Kiss Chris!" and it's like the end of "Never Been Kissed."
HOUR 842 OF OUR CAPTIVITY
Whitney gets the next one-on-one in Des Moines. They go to an art show in town -- which is kind of a ratchet little setup in the midst of an old city hall. But there is a purpose. They're going to document their love in photographs. They kiss a lot and hope to be Instafamous. Whitney hopes they can share these photos with their kids. I do too and I wish everyone else could get a fantastic trip to Italy. If you went on this show to travel, this is an "epic fail" season to have selected.
The gals back at the house decide to go to Arlington themselves and check things out. They want to know if they passed the hotel. You did. The hotel was back in Des Moines three hours away -- where he left you. Carly gets a sign when a picture of Jesus that hung in her grandparents' house is also hanging in the closed library.
They find some locals and ask for a restaurant. "Not in Arlington."
"What do people do here?"
"They go elsewhere." This is the pastor talking and he tells them about Cedar Rapids which is where everything is happening. And it's about an hour away.
Whitney gets to meet three "fans" who turn out to be three of Chris' best friends. Whitney gives them all hugs. She is sweet as pie, but her voice is how I imagine Owen Meany's to be.
Back at the hotel, Britt is talking herself in circles about how maybe she could live there.Carly's not buying it. First off, can you imagine Britt in full makeup walking down Main Street? They'd think the brothel from the 1800's had reopened.
Carly gives us a hand puppet show to mimic Britt and it just annoys me.
Whitney now explains that there is no one to meet on the hometown essentially. Her mom has passed on, and she doesn't have a relationship with her dad. Outside a crowd has gathered and there is a cheesy, pasted-together mural on the wall that looks nothing like them. Whitney acts as if it's the Mona Lisa. She cannot believe it's there forever. "Forevah, evah?" Yes Whitney, until the local gangs tag the wall. Do they have gangs in Des Moines? Actually, to give the artist props, that was a lot of work in a short amount of time.
The likeness is uncanny.
Jade tells the girls she has to tell Chris about her Playboy tryout. Carly is understanding, then snarks to the cameras, "Hey Mom, don't Google my wife." I'm totally ready to put Carly back on the cruise ship.
The Group Date is with Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn-- they're going ice skating.
My neighbor is getting pizza. Would it be rude to ask if he wants company? It's Domino's. Meh. Britt sneaks off with Chris and tells him they went to Arlington. Britt says, and i quote, "I loved it."
I think she does not know what that word means. Let me translate: I'm going to win. Because we can just kiss all the time and I won't notice where I am.
Carly is this season's Jake Pavelka. She's going to tell Chris about Britt and rescue him. She tells Chris that Britt says she could never live there. I hope he's learned something from Kelsey and Ashley and doesn't run right to Britt.
He decides to confront Britt. Which annoys me. When will he learn if you ask a liar for the truth, they will lie again if they have an agenda. His face changes when she absolutely denies that she ever said no way. She says she wants to be a Mom, and they kiss again. He's dumb as a box of rocks at this point.
Kaitlyn gets the rose and we watch Britt blow steam from her nose while they play ID Network music. Britt throws a little hissy fit while showing us though there is nothing to do in Iowa, she didn't have time to paint her nails. She confronts Chris that she doesn't want to be second,third or even fourth best to her future husband. Carly just sits by and rolls her eyes. Chris says, "Maybe you feel like you don't want to be here anymore."
Chris tells her it's an inappropriate conversation and gets the heck out of dodge. That was a complete waste of time. Brain cells lost: 3042