#RHOC -- Please Alexis, not the "Christian" moniker...

As a fellow Christian, I would like to point out to Alexis Bellino that you can't go on "Real Housewives of Orange County" and talk about your faith while also bragging (as a single woman) that you're having sex four times a day with your boyfriend.

First of all, gross.  No one wants to hear it. 

Next, we have riding for a mediocre man who was awful to his ex-girlfriend. Sued her publicly -- telling People Magazine before the woman he was suing. Claiming he doesn't want any fame, but showing up on Bravo any chance he gets. That's not kind. If, as a single woman, I had a new man (not likely as I don't leave the house) I would not throw it in my ex's face. I'd prove that I had moved on and keep it quiet. Why?  Because it's not Christian to purposely hurt people. To rub painful subjects in their face is the epitome of cruel. 

Listen, we've all sinned and fall short. I'm not claiming to be any role model for Christianity. But why? Why would you know all about John's finances to the extent where you tell Shannon about all his "receipts?" Girl, that is none of your business, and even if it was, why are you spending hours finding out what your boyfriend spent on his ex? If my boyfriend were that obsessed with "vindication" I would consider that a huge red flag. 

Speaking from experience, there is nothing worse than people who value money over humanity. Those kind of people never have enough and their morality goes right out the window when it comes to financial gain. That is not a great partner in life. I've also made some dumb romantic choices, so I'm going to give Alexis a pass now that the show is over and she had time to slink back to this weird relationship. 

I hope they can make it work. I also hope we don't have to hear about them again. Go, be happy. There's a difference between petty and vindictive. I always say, "I love Jesus, but I'm a little petty."  And by that, I mean, when someone reaps what they sow, it's nice to see karma in action.  Vindictive to me, is playing God. It's trying to force revenge/karma to happen. God tells us vengeance is His. I don't think anyone can say that Shannon deserved all that was thrown at her this season, but she didn't need Alexis or John helping. I hope Shannon rallies and lives her best life. And I also hope Alexis marries John Janssen. 

Do you like local dialect in your fiction?

I'm not a fan of deep vernacular in a book which makes the story hard to read. Thinking of Mark Twain and more recently, "Where the Crawdads Sing." Incidentally, both authors are doing just fine without my endorsement.

When I was young, I read all of Thomas Hardy's books/poetry with a dictionary at my side to look up words like "reddleman" or "blooth" but even with the handy Kindle doing the work for me, I don't want to work that hard to read. Reading should be pleasant. I get so bogged down in the vernacular that I lose interest in the story. What's something you avoid in fiction?

"The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives" -- Anyone watching?

I got roped into this one by my son's girlfriend, but I quickly got drawn in by how many dysfunctional relationships are excused by the church. Be it Mormon or evangelical. Apparently, there was a big "swinging" scandal that went on within "MomTok" on TikTok and there's a thing called "soft swinging." I'm going to admit to not going down that rabbit hole, and nor do I want to -- but I do find it interesting that a church that requires special underwear for modesty thinks swinging is appropriate. I mean, I'm sure the regular Mormon church doesn't approve, but I guess it's a thing.

Anyway, the cast is made up of women you can't tell apart because they all have the same hair and appearance. They even have a hairstylist on the show who provides all these similar long extension, beachy waves. The only two who look different are Whitney (who is famous for doing a TikTok dance in front of her baby at the hospital while he fought off RSV) and Taylor. Taylor is in a whole mess with an unstable man named Dakota, who is trying to lock her down with marriage. Taylor has been there, done that and is leery of marriage.  But she does get pregnant with Dakota's baby. Because that's not commitment, I guess? 

Worse yet, is that Taylor's mother is constantly talking her down and letting her know she doesn't have better options and she needs to marry this tool. Dakota finds out she's going to Chippendales (keep in mind, Taylor is 8-months pregnant at this point) and whines all over Vegas that he can't take it. He thinks the Chippendales' men are picking up on his very pregnant girlfriend and will not let her weary self rest until he gets all this off his mind.  Dude, regulate your own emotions. It's not her job!! She's brewing a baby, let the woman chill on GIRLS weekend. 

Anyway, the worst of the men, in my opinion, is Zac Affleck, who is married to Jennifer. Jennifer is the whole package. She's gorgeous, the mother of two beautiful children and supports the family with her side gigs while Zac goes to school.  Zac's only commentary to Jennifer should be, "Thank you for providing for our family while I get through medical school." But that is not Zac's reaction. Zac throws a toddler tantrum when the show takes the women to a Chippendale's show in Vegas. (I mean, ick, but she's probably contractually obligated to go.) He actually tells the woman supporting him that it's going to be hard to be a divorced mom of two. So gross.

Then, scarier yet, she takes off crying to make him feel better and comes back with excuses for him. Her reaction is so Stepford wife, it's terrifying. Um, no ma'am. The fact that parents on both sides of these relationships support this patriarchal society when the man isn't providing makes me break into hives. You, sir, if you want to be the boss -- get a JOB! But he pulls his wife out of the Utah lifestyle and away from her support system and work so he can go to school in NYC or Arizona -- depending on what you believe. Red flag! Her job, though it's supported him, is not important to him. Therefore, it shouldn't be important to her and she should just drop it so he can do whatever he wants. 

This whole "trad wife" trend on TikTok really gets to me, as someone who was a trad wife for 28 years. It's fine if you have the same goals, but if your trad husband decides to change the rules, you've been out of the workforce for a very long time, and the church/courts aren't going to side with you -- because the world sees a trad wife as someone who is lazy, and didn't work for all the family has. People resent traditional roles in our society right now. So this show triggers me because these gals are making their own bank, they're raising their own families, and the husbands are berating them on the daily. That should not be what marriage looks like.

If something is important to you, it should be important to your spouse. If it's not, or if he wants you to give up your dreams for his, that is not a sustainable lifestyle. Sorry, it's just not. 

 

Why I'm rewriting my book, "Swimming to the Surface."

Warning: Long, triggering post!

Over a decade ago, I wrote a book about narcissistic abuse within a Christian marriage, and how the church often turns a blind eye, or worse, unwittingly helps the abuser continue the abuse by falsely blaming the victim. In Christian counseling, women of often asked to twist themselves into a pretzel to make something that doesn't work, work. One thing I learned interviewing victims is that one person cannot save a marriage. It takes two people to have a relationship, and if someone isn't willing to put in the work, you're alone in marriage -- whether you stay married or not. You also may unwittingly be showing your children an unhealthy power dynamic in marriage where only one opinion matters, and sadly, that opinion does not take into account the best interests of the family as a unit. 

For clarification, I'm not discussing standard disagreements and normal communication issues with a marriage. We are humans and we are going to disagree with each other.  Rather, I'm talking specifically about narcissistic abuse. No amount of forgiveness or love will change narcissistic behavior. Their "sad" childhoods aren't causing them to be abusive. Their entitled attitude is.

Now, not everyone with narcissistic personality disorder will be abusive, and not everyone who abuses is a narcissist. But the results of being abused by a narcissist are so easily hidden in the church, a place where "looking good to others" matters in the social circle.  Image can be everything. That's why it's an excellent place for a narcissist to hang out. Since they're in constant need of admiration or "supply" the church is a steady source of people noticing your good works in public. This person is an angel in the community and a devil at home. The wife and children know this, and that's why it's important to discredit them in the community. Be warned when you hear a man publicly speaking ill of his spouse. 

When the relationship is over, this kind of person is not done disparaging his partner. He seeks to destroy completely. If you're a housewives fan, check out what John Janssen is doing to former partner, Shannon Storms Beador on "The Real Housewives of Orange County." He is suing her for $75k he says he gave her for a facelift. This helps destroy her in two ways. 1. Show that she's "poor" and obviously, he rescued her and gave her the money she needed.  2. He also gets to tell the world she's had a facelift to humiliate her further.  He's also induced his new girlfriend to help abuse and humiliate Shannon on her own show. 

So, said book of mine (Originally called Walking on Water) was purchased by a big-name publishing house for a lot of money with my caveat that it would not end in reconciliation. A huge issue for any Christian house who believes in the sanctity of marriage, so I knew it was a big ask.


If you know anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or people with sociopathic tendencies, they don't change without a miracle. Telling a woman (or man) to keep praying while enduring abuse is cruel and abusive in my opinion. It is not godly. Keeping a toxic marriage together at the expense of someone's soul is an ugly price to pay.  Too high, if you ask me.

I interviewed many women in these relationships for the books. Three of whom were left by their husbands for other men. They were still being told by church leaders they should have done more to "save their families." The age-old lie, "If you loved him more, he wouldn't have done this."

The other common denominator with my interviewees? The abusers continued to abuse until the victims would rather be dead than married, and ultimately filed for divorce. Thus, helping the abuser to look like a victim within a church. "She filed for divorce," they'll say. "I was blindsided!" is another favorite.

Lundy Bancroft, in his groundbreaking book, "Why Does He Do That?" talks about abuse this way, "The term abuse is about power; it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else."  Lundy also talks about why counseling doesn't work with an abuser, "An abusive man is not a reliable source of information about his partner." He's most likely going into counseling with an agenda -- to convince the counselor his wife is the problem, that she is "mentally ill" or simply not submissive enough to make the marriage work. He wants to gain allies, people to bolster his opinion that he's done nothing wrong -- which is the absolute opposite of the humility we are called to as Christians, but often goes unnoticed. Victims often have to sacrifice their reputations and their social circle/families to get out. 

In the end, management at the publishing house would not approve the book without a reconciliation in the character's marriage. I understood and respected their stance. They needed to be true to their readers and the Christian marriage. But I also knew the truth that to tell a woman/man who is already struggling with unhinged behavior, that she could work harder, pray harder, fix this somehow on her own, that I'd be lying. Worse? I was giving them false hope when deep down, they knew their partner did not want change. He wanted control and to destroy what sense of self-esteem they had left. He was, in fact, working against his partner, not for her.  So I purchased the rights back and published the book myself.

Unfortunately, it was in the early days of self-publishing and I did a TERRIBLE job of cleaning it up. It was riddled with mistakes, and it was so hard to write, I didn't want to go back to it. So I left it up and ignored the problems. Like a good ostrich, I put my head in the sand, and avoided it. 

Now, it's 12 years later, and after watching "The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives" I know that things haven't changed.  Narcissism is on the rise.  And women out there are still struggling to maintain relationships that are working against them. A therapist friend told me she's constantly looking for fictional accounts of abuse to give her clients, because story is easier to digest sometimes. So I've decided it's time. (Okay, really my friend decided it's time.) I'm going to rewrite the book. Another friend is willing to help me edit since my eyes are so bad. 

This book is not for everyone. I know that, but if it helps one woman/man under narcissistic abuse recognize the patterns and the verbal/financial/emotional abuse, then that's all that matters. I'm passionate about this because I can't stand when the church gets things wrong. And this is something I think they have very wrong. The man of the house should be protective, be wary if he's throwing his family under the bus to look good.

If any of this resonates, please pick up Lundy Bancroft's book. He's an absolute hero to so many victims.

Why Does He Do That?

 

For more information on narcissistic abuse, please follow this link. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/narcissistic-abuse#what-is-it

 

Happy Mother's Day -- "I'm Glad My Mom Died" Review

First off, my mother is alive and well, praise God! Now that I'm home in California, I get to spend Mother's Day with her and my son, so that's happy!!

The title refers to the Jenette McCurdy book that I just finished. This book, despite the name, is a love letter to her mother. Even if she doesn't realize it, Jenette obviously loved her mother despite her mother's obvious mental illness. That mental illness showed up as cruelty and abuse in Jenette's life. There are some really profound lessons that I encourage others to read -- even if you've never had any abuse in your nearby vicinity. Looking for the clues will help make you a better citizen of the world.

I also think anyone who judges abuse victims as weak or pathetic, needs to pick up this book to learn how it really is. Jenette didn't know she was abused. She didn't understand Mom's diet tips would lead to eating disorders. The list goes on and on. 

Anyone who says, "Why didn't you just leave?" clearly doesn't understand that the real prison of abuse is in the victim's minds. They have been groomed and brainwashed to believe this behavior is normal and worse yet, they deserve it. So why would they seek anything different? It's like how they chain a baby elephant to a chain.  The massive giant elephant doesn't try to break free, though they could.  They have learned that they are stuck on the chain and can't move.

Abuse victims don't know what freedom looks like, nor would they understand how to navigate it. Abuse is familiar. They understand the rules of being abused, of calming down a raging person. Jenette learned all the little tricks to make her mother happy, and she felt when her mother STILL threw a tantrum landed on her, not Mom. SHE was responsible for her mother's failings. The way she describes this in real time, as she didn't know she was being harmed is really eye-opening.

If you've seen the show on Nickelodeon during its wonder years (Quiet On The Set, The Dark Side of Kids TV) you know that Jeanette didn't just incur verbal and emotional abuse at home, but also on set. 

Also, the most dangerous time for a victim is when they leave an abuser, so it stands to reason that victims stay at take it. Much of the time staying in abuse keeps them alive -- but not abundantly as Jesus wants us to live. It leaves them in survival mode.

I think we can look at the current news on the "Pastor's" wife, Micah Miller's suicide and see that even when she had escaped, she hadn't really. Her husband's words still haunted her. Micah's belief system that she was nothing without him, and would never get free of him led her to commit suicide, allegedly.

This is a hill I will die on.  Abuse is far too prevalent in our churches and as Christians, we must stand up against it. We have to stop believing words and start looking at actions. If someone only does their good works in front of people, that's a good sign.  Another obvious characteristic in Micah Miller's marriage of abuse was that he wasn't done disparaging her when she was dead. He continued to talk about her mental health and her "issues" in a sermon the day after her death. No REAL man/husband does that.  They protect their wife even when it costs them something. IMHO, that was John Paul setting up himself as the victim. The poor pastor married to a mental patient, so he had to break free to do the Lord's work. The more he destroys Micah's reputation, the more it makes sense he needed another wife. A better wife. 

BALONEY! I knew a man of God once who was married to a woman with mental illness. She was in and out of institutions depending on her health and when someone asked him in front of me, why he stayed with her, he said, "Have you met her? How could anyone not love her?" 

Pastor Miller has had felony charges in the past, and was on his way to a THIRD wedding with a woman younger than him. Keep in mind, he was still married to Micah while planning this future with his girlfriend. You're going to allow your pastor to have a THIRD wife when he's not even out of his 40's?

Micah was also in his teen group when he was the youth pastor.  She was 14 years old! Why are we allowing men like this in the pulpit? No one is perfect, but we need to look for behavior patterns and hold pastor's to a higher standard.

He was separated.

He had a girlfriend.

He had five children he left for Micah.  

On what earth was this man qualified to be a pastor? He'd also had a felony in his background. 

Come on, churches, USE your discerners.  Find them, and listen to them! We look like absolute fools as believers when we let these charlatans into our midst and allow them to use God's name to commit their atrocities. Also, you can't just allow someone to say "I'm sorry you're hurt" or the like over their actions. True repentance needs to be present to allow them back into the fold. We all know what a little yeast does to the dough!

Back to Jenette's book. Jenette McCurdy may have lost her mother, but sadly, she hasn't lost the woman's haunting voice in her head. That will be with her for a lifetime, and up to Jenette to overcome it in the moment. I really loved her book. It has a lot of insight. My takeaway is abuse fundamentally changes who people are. As believers, we have to be more aware, and not be afraid to stand up for what's right! Abuse stays with the victim long after the actual abuse is over. 

 

 

 

California or bust!

My house officially goes on the market this week so I can move back home near my family. I am really looking forward to being back in the world I know.  I have never written normally nor consistently in Arizona. Maybe because I'm not quite myself here. I feel lost without my lifetime friends -- who put up with me and my quirks. I miss knowing where everything is, and how things work -- which I have never quite figured out here.  

It's not Arizona. Arizona is lovely. It's me. I live in the best neighborhood. There are a ton of parks. I can walk my dog at midnight, and the dog park is top tier here for my fur babies. Getting back to California will be a hard adjustment as I navigate where to live, but I do think it's going to be better for my writing. I miss my snarky self. Californians seem to get my humor.

Have you ever lived somewhere that stunted your personality? Or is that just me? Everything in Arizona is pretty perfect -- except it's not home. Have you ever lived somewhere you didn't belong? 

Anyway, the realtor took the real estate pictures this week and I had to laugh at my closet. If you look to the left, there are three signed posters of Adam Ant. I don't know why that cracks me up, but it's just so random that a grown woman has her high school idol pics on the wall. 

I took this pic of Adam at the Saratoga Winery in California. 

Visits to Costco are good for my ego...

I have a Costco very close to me. It just opened. I go there for gas and for those amazing chickens for my dogs. So unlike most people at Costco, I'm never buying very much at once. Therefore, I go through the self-checkout line. Well, a lot of times there is someone there to help you and they jam through your cart like it's nothing. So last week when I was there, this older woman working the register said, "Oh girl, let me get that for you. You're too cute to check." I mean, light me up, that was so sweet. But she was also adorable, so that wasn't exactly true. 

Today, I go in and I buy some Mucinex for my son.  Apparently, that is one of those "watched" products so they have to put my birthdate in.  Well, the guy who is checking for me makes one up. Because it's clear I'm older than dirt and he says, "I put in 1987."

I laughed and said, I graduated from high school before that, but bless your heart. So now, when I'm feeling bad about myself and I'm not at my word count, I'm going to wander over to Costco and get me a daily dose of Costco Charisma.

Incidentally, I wanted to share that my brain was finally back this week and I wrote like I used to write.  Fast, and without a bunch of edits. I just finished the chapter so I could come back to the fixes later. Yay! 

When I move, I'm not going to be near a Costco, so my dog is really going to be suffering and wishing for the scorching land that is Arizona. 

 

#NewCover for "Under a Neon Moon" Coming Soon for Preorder

Have you ever seen an animal trapped in a corner and they don't know which way to go?  That is completely me when I'm overwhelmed with decisions. I have some big decisions to make and that has messed with my writing time.  I used to be so good at multi-tasking, but apparently, that skill has gone by the wayside, along with my tiny waist. 

I am working on two books right now. One is the third book in the Pacific Avenue Series.  I have loved working on this series because there were no rules. I wrote it the way I wanted it. Not with a neat little bow at the end, but with characters grappling with life (and people) as it is.  Sometimes people -- even in the church -- are rotten in the home and I wanted to address that hypocrisy for all the readers out there who have had to make family where they can find it--because their own is less than perfect. 

I'm also working on a Christmas redemption story set in Lake Tahoe, CA. It's always such a tightrope walk to make a character problematic, but likable. I'm grappling with that now. I like her, but I tend to love problematic, authentic people. Anyway, here is the new cover with the back cover copy for Under a Neon Moon:

In San Francisco society, QUINN WENTWORTH is renowned for her dazzling fashion sense and
captivating charisma. But when her mother’s scandalous past and her father’s notorious reputation
shatter her glamorous life, Quinn must escape the relentless media attention and find her true path. If
only she possessed actual life skills!

After being kicked out of her prestigious English riding club, Quinn finds an unlikely rescuer in cowboy
veterinarian Shane McCarthy. Seeing beyond Quinn’s starlike exterior, Shane offers to shelter her
beloved horse on his ranch, though it’s a world away from her turbulent life in the city. Although they
go together like Chanel and Carhartt, their undeniable chemistry forces Quinn to reevaluate her
stance on marriage. Perhaps unconditional love does exist . . .

Join Quinn and the Wentworth sisters in a charming new love story about the pursuit of genuine
connection in a world that’s looking for the next photo op.

Cruising the world...

I have cousins and friends who LOVE cruises. Sign them up for domestic, International and even, river cruises. They make me feel...stuck. Trapped. So while I'm envious of my peeps on these fantastic vacations, I wonder what I'm missing. One issue is I like to see one place well, rather than a ton of places with brief stops.

Anyhow, today an ad came up for a European River cruise, and I'm not going to lie. I'm tempted by that. It seems low-key. Made more for the introvert who might get lost in a book while on our way to the next destination.  While on the site, I discovered there is a "longitudinal cruise" that beings in Buenos Aires and finishes in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That's seriously intense. To go from one pole to another essentially. Get this, it starts at $44, 950K. My first thought it how many life-altering handbags I could get for that price. (Maybe only one if I loved the Birkin, but thankfully, I do not. )

While I have no interest in this cruise, I would love to meet the people who go on it. Don't you think they'd be fascinating?  Like their lives would make great novels!  These people not only have the big money to vacation as they please, but they're learners. They have a need to see for themselves and I think that's so interesting. My buddy Colleen Coble is on a book tour, and she's been in Charleston and Beaufort, South Carolina. She texted me and said it didn't feel the same without me there ( because I love Charleston so much) and I thought, yeah, I should be there.  That got me thinking about vacation and here we are. Daydreaming while I'm working.  And yes, I did write a little in between this ADD diversion. Anyway, if Denise Hunter tours the south, she may be stuck with me. I don't know what it is about the romance of the southern United States, but I just feel connected to it.  The Civil War is such a tragic era, but it fascinates me. 

I have done the Mississippi Queen cruise and I did really enjoy that one. I've thought about cruising Alaska because I love nature -- but from a well-appointed balcony.  I have no desire to come face-to-face with a Grizzly or even a moose, if I'm honest. Same reason I'd rather cruise the Viking Fjords. Nature. But at a distance.

For some reason, my biggest fear is being murdered in a tent.  Since I haven't been in a tent since I was in my late 20's, I'm not sure where this ridiculous fear comes from, but camping and me are a big no.  In fairness, when I was in high school, it was the era/setting of the "Night Stalker" and the beautiful redwoods I used to visit every month when my kids were little had people murdered in their tents. It was the era of tent murders, what can I say? Add to that all the "Datelines" I've seen and it's quite a reasonable fear. 

Anyway, do you have any plans for summer travel? I wonder if I'd be happier with a new Loewe Puzzle bag. After the year I've had, I'm thinking it's bigger than a new handbag. 

 

"Where's the next book?"

If you're asking that question about my book, first off, thank you.  I appreciate that anyone cares and I love hearing from my readers that they do miss hearing my voice.  What a blessing! The easiest explanation is I've had "monkey brain" which is what I call my ADHD when there is too much going on.  I've been torn between responsibilities at home in California and at home in Arizona. Neither one of which includes writing and that needs to change. This is my resolution for 2024.  Finishing books again is my priority. (BIC -- Butt in Chair is a necessity.)  I don't like the person I am when I don't write. It's too much a part of me, and it's all right to make that a priority. 

I'm working on the next book in the Pacific Avenue series and while the third one has been the hardest for me to complete, I think it's my favorite so far.  I just love dealing with the dysfunctional family dynamics and how the same person can be different people, depending on the audience. Authentic people are my vibe. I don't understand people who change their personalities for an audience. They fascinate me and I wanted  to explore narcissistic personality traits in fiction. I know we all have narcissistic traits, but if you've ever been around a person with true narcissistic personality disorder, it will have you questioning your sanity. I wanted to explore that from the perspective of the children of narcs.  That's how the Pacific Avenue Series started. I know it sounds depressing, but to me, it's not. Children of narcs continue to thrive in this world and overcome! Thank you, Jesus!

I have the cover for the new book and I'm going to debut it here soon. But I love Quinn's story because she's been raised to be a carbon copy of her narcissistic mother. Figuring out she's been on the wrong journey was fun for me. How I love a redemption arc!  I took a break writing Quinn because of a request from my agent for a bigger publisher. It will help me to go back to traditional publishing. When you've been doing things a certain way for 30 years, it's not easy to do it differently. Self-publishing is a lot when you're an old dog constantly learning new tricks -- especially with monkey brain. But if that's what God has for me, I'll keep doing it. 

I've been at my parents' house in California for about a month -- and I bought a new laptop here because my old one is missing keys. Let me just say you have no idea how much you use the letter "A" until you can't anymore. So check back here for the new cover. My word for 2024 is CONSISTENCY! How about you? Any resolutions you want to make public? 

P.S. As a testimony to my dedication to "consistency" I am sitting at my parents' dining room table with David Crowder blasting in my noise canceling EarPods to drown out my brother's CONSISTENT talking. : )