Why I'm rewriting my book, "Swimming to the Surface."

Warning: Long, triggering post!

Over a decade ago, I wrote a book about narcissistic abuse within a Christian marriage, and how the church often turns a blind eye, or worse, unwittingly helps the abuser continue the abuse by falsely blaming the victim. In Christian counseling, women of often asked to twist themselves into a pretzel to make something that doesn't work, work. One thing I learned interviewing victims is that one person cannot save a marriage. It takes two people to have a relationship, and if someone isn't willing to put in the work, you're alone in marriage -- whether you stay married or not. You also may unwittingly be showing your children an unhealthy power dynamic in marriage where only one opinion matters, and sadly, that opinion does not take into account the best interests of the family as a unit. 

For clarification, I'm not discussing standard disagreements and normal communication issues with a marriage. We are humans and we are going to disagree with each other.  Rather, I'm talking specifically about narcissistic abuse. No amount of forgiveness or love will change narcissistic behavior. Their "sad" childhoods aren't causing them to be abusive. Their entitled attitude is.

Now, not everyone with narcissistic personality disorder will be abusive, and not everyone who abuses is a narcissist. But the results of being abused by a narcissist are so easily hidden in the church, a place where "looking good to others" matters in the social circle.  Image can be everything. That's why it's an excellent place for a narcissist to hang out. Since they're in constant need of admiration or "supply" the church is a steady source of people noticing your good works in public. This person is an angel in the community and a devil at home. The wife and children know this, and that's why it's important to discredit them in the community. Be warned when you hear a man publicly speaking ill of his spouse. 

When the relationship is over, this kind of person is not done disparaging his partner. He seeks to destroy completely. If you're a housewives fan, check out what John Janssen is doing to former partner, Shannon Storms Beador on "The Real Housewives of Orange County." He is suing her for $75k he says he gave her for a facelift. This helps destroy her in two ways. 1. Show that she's "poor" and obviously, he rescued her and gave her the money she needed.  2. He also gets to tell the world she's had a facelift to humiliate her further.  He's also induced his new girlfriend to help abuse and humiliate Shannon on her own show. 

So, said book of mine (Originally called Walking on Water) was purchased by a big-name publishing house for a lot of money with my caveat that it would not end in reconciliation. A huge issue for any Christian house who believes in the sanctity of marriage, so I knew it was a big ask.


If you know anything about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or people with sociopathic tendencies, they don't change without a miracle. Telling a woman (or man) to keep praying while enduring abuse is cruel and abusive in my opinion. It is not godly. Keeping a toxic marriage together at the expense of someone's soul is an ugly price to pay.  Too high, if you ask me.

I interviewed many women in these relationships for the books. Three of whom were left by their husbands for other men. They were still being told by church leaders they should have done more to "save their families." The age-old lie, "If you loved him more, he wouldn't have done this."

The other common denominator with my interviewees? The abusers continued to abuse until the victims would rather be dead than married, and ultimately filed for divorce. Thus, helping the abuser to look like a victim within a church. "She filed for divorce," they'll say. "I was blindsided!" is another favorite.

Lundy Bancroft, in his groundbreaking book, "Why Does He Do That?" talks about abuse this way, "The term abuse is about power; it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else."  Lundy also talks about why counseling doesn't work with an abuser, "An abusive man is not a reliable source of information about his partner." He's most likely going into counseling with an agenda -- to convince the counselor his wife is the problem, that she is "mentally ill" or simply not submissive enough to make the marriage work. He wants to gain allies, people to bolster his opinion that he's done nothing wrong -- which is the absolute opposite of the humility we are called to as Christians, but often goes unnoticed. Victims often have to sacrifice their reputations and their social circle/families to get out. 

In the end, management at the publishing house would not approve the book without a reconciliation in the character's marriage. I understood and respected their stance. They needed to be true to their readers and the Christian marriage. But I also knew the truth that to tell a woman/man who is already struggling with unhinged behavior, that she could work harder, pray harder, fix this somehow on her own, that I'd be lying. Worse? I was giving them false hope when deep down, they knew their partner did not want change. He wanted control and to destroy what sense of self-esteem they had left. He was, in fact, working against his partner, not for her.  So I purchased the rights back and published the book myself.

Unfortunately, it was in the early days of self-publishing and I did a TERRIBLE job of cleaning it up. It was riddled with mistakes, and it was so hard to write, I didn't want to go back to it. So I left it up and ignored the problems. Like a good ostrich, I put my head in the sand, and avoided it. 

Now, it's 12 years later, and after watching "The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives" I know that things haven't changed.  Narcissism is on the rise.  And women out there are still struggling to maintain relationships that are working against them. A therapist friend told me she's constantly looking for fictional accounts of abuse to give her clients, because story is easier to digest sometimes. So I've decided it's time. (Okay, really my friend decided it's time.) I'm going to rewrite the book. Another friend is willing to help me edit since my eyes are so bad. 

This book is not for everyone. I know that, but if it helps one woman/man under narcissistic abuse recognize the patterns and the verbal/financial/emotional abuse, then that's all that matters. I'm passionate about this because I can't stand when the church gets things wrong. And this is something I think they have very wrong. The man of the house should be protective, be wary if he's throwing his family under the bus to look good.

If any of this resonates, please pick up Lundy Bancroft's book. He's an absolute hero to so many victims.

Why Does He Do That?

 

For more information on narcissistic abuse, please follow this link. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/narcissistic-abuse#what-is-it