Can't Touch This!!!
What doth thy covet?

Instant #Bachelorette Recap:

First off, the guys look good in the studio.  Lighting helps everyone it seems.  Ali is not from San Francisco.  She lived there.  There's a difference.  Just sayin' She's an East Coast girl, it's written all over her. As a fourth generation Native Californian, I protest.  Loudly.  

Ali says in her mind, Frank was in love with her. Sheesh.  Haven't we all felt like that before we got dumped.  Sucks.  We get it Ali. What we don't get is, why Kermit? 

Did you hear during introductions?  The girls yelled the loudest for Ty.  Have you learned nothing?  This is how we ended up with Jake Pavelka.  He is NOT interesting.  I'm sure he's a nice guy and all, but please don't give him a Bachelor try.  No.   20 Seasons and still, they scream for the nice guy.  Marry the nice guy.  Love the nice guy.  Don't make him our Bachelor.

So when Chris "The Phantom" speaks, he's rated R about Rated R. Craig the crazy isn't there tonight.  Must not have been able to get a weekend pass.  The guys are all picking on "The Weatherman".  Something tells me this is a familiar place for the weatherman.  So the weatherman says, "Ali came to us and asked us to tell her..."  Still not okay to tattle dude.  Man up.  Jesse did.  Dang, he's good looking.  He reminds me of David Beckham.  Or Michelangelo's David. 

Casey freaks me out. Methinks he's seen Shrek too many times. Oh and the singing.  AWKWARD!  He can't sing.  And worse, he doesn't know it!  He should have been on American Idol with his Mama telling us how talented he was. At least he has the decency to be humiliated watching it back. He says there's a girl out there who would like that kind of wooing.  There is, but she's needy, pathetic and codependent. My guess is, she'd scare him first.

Kirk looks good.  I think he'd be a great Bachelor.  He's got the crazy family and he's fun.  He's a little manic and his daddy dissects animals.  How can you not love him?  I find him interesting.  Ty, not so much.  Plus, didn't we hear that name Ty enough on whiny Mesnick's season?  We did.  

Justin.  Hasn't he had his fifteen minutes?  Enough.  He didn't commit murder.  He's just a dog.  Without a real job.  Who lives at home with Mama and has two girlfriends.  Don't they check these guys out at all?  

Kirk and Ali's communication was warm and sweet.  Casey's -- I'm hearing Sting, "I'll be watching you."  Not whatever bad song he's singing.

You know, you'd think Roberto would be the Don Juan, but something tells me, Chris is more of a dog.  But I will say, it's hard to see. He looks pretty good from the outside.  I wonder if he is.  

The Bachelor Pad looks bad.  Twister?  In Daisy Dukes?  Oh no!!!  Scary Hair guy is back.  Ewww.  This preview is disturbing.  It looks like all the parts I skip through on the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  Ick.  I am grossed out.  I feel like I've been in one of those hot tubs.  Violated.  Blech.  I'm going to be in Mexico when this debuts.  I think I will skip it because I just don't want to know there are that many good-looking, disturbed people in the world.  Ignorance is bliss.

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