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Bachelorette Ashley in Vegas Recap

Working two jobs is definitely getting in the way of my bad television habit. So I'm late with my recap, but here it is, so let's talk about what you liked/didn't:


Let me just say, I hope Ashley wears her skirts a wee bit longer when she's doing dentistry.

Ben the winemaker opens the show. He's darling, and I like him more hearing him talk. But I still want to give him a haircut. So the first one-on-one is with my favorite: William. In Vegas.

Is it me or does Vegas seem like a terrible place for a first date? I mean, I know, the Vegas tourism board pays a lot to showcase the same restaurant and all the services in the Bellagio, but enough already. We get it. If we want a big, tacky over-the-top date head to the Bachelorette Hotel.

I will take Ashley's convertible Maserati though. In fact, I may have never headed to the airport. That would suck to have to go back to your dentistry-student vehicle after driving that baby.

Personally, I find William's date, where they essentially plan a fake wedding, horrifying, but he's a good sport. In what alternative universe would a woman ever get away with that?

Back at the mansion: The masked crusader has announced he's taken the "stealth" route. You say stealth, I say mentally-unbalanced. I hate the way he lurks about and it seems he thinks he has special powers. He informs us he's watching from "above." He's like watching my ghost shows, but I would MUCH rather run into a ghost than him. HE freaks me out.

In Vegas, Ashley and William row for their dinner into the magical lake of mystery. William wants to be a stand-up comedian. No wonder I love him and he's got the first major qualification: dysfunctional childhood with alcoholic parent. Ashley admits to the same and their date turns into an Al-Anon meeting. But before we have a total buzz kill, let the dancing Disney waters ERUPT!!! Now, they kiss and the crowd claps. Oy. That is not romantic to me. Sorry, that's a bad jr. high date where you have to meet the guy at the water park because neither of you drive and everyone's looking on...and your friends make fun of you. Not that I'm speaking from experience here!

So they fly 11 guys to Vegas for a bad rendition of "So You think you can dance." And they cannot. Jaba wha?

They break up into two groups: "The Best Men" and the "No Rhythm Nation" (They aren't kidding!) Oddly, Bentley, our devoted single dad from Utah likes the dancing and being in front of the crowd. Let me state for the record, it is NOT because he has any talent.

West talks into the camera. A lot. He makes love to the camera. I think it's because he sees his reflection, but don't quote me. He gives the standard Bachelorette lines, "I'm 100% here for you." He tells Ashley it's hard for him to open up and I'd almost believe it if it weren't for the verbal deluge. He tells the story of his deceased wife with too much skill for my tastes. It's well-rehearsed (I would guess from a warm bar stool.) I do not believe a WORD this guy says.

Bentley. He makes her want to be...a weaker woman. She is pathetic with him. Ladies, take notes. When you're acting like this? It's HIM not you. Move away. I don't really buy that he's villain though. He's not even a good tool. Seems like he's looking for a job in acting, and dude, don't quit your day job.

JP and Mickey have a coin flip for a one-on-one. Mickey wins. Mickey is like Clark Kent/Superman. In his glasses, he looks like Leonard on "Big Bang Theory" and without them, yowza, he's John Hamm. Mickey is the kind of guy who is too good looking to actually talk to. I don't care for men who are prettier than me, but Mickey pulls it off. He doesn't get that he's that gorgeous, and after watching their date, I think he's better for Ashley than my fave, William. Mickey seems more mature and more masculine. Plus, he's creative (a chef) but not TOO creative to have a job and be successful.

Back at the mansion: Batman has a sleeping mask on over his regular rubber mask. Dude, is there a closet you sleep in?

The one thing I noticed about the evening is that when she kissed William and Mickey, she bent backwards. But when she kissed JP, she was all-in. I like Mickey and JP for her. I think William is too immature. But he's darling. Didn't watch the Rose Ceremony yet, but I can tell by that kiss JP isn't going anywhere.

Bragging Rights Baby!

I grew up in a house of tradesmen. I was not prepared for how engineers can be really clueless around the house. I'm not afraid of a power tool, but you know, I learned to defer all that stuff. Make the guy feel manly and all that business, but a girl can only take so much. And then...then the tools come out.

Things need to get done, am I right? I cannot stand to have things undone, and I have waited for OVER a year to get a new doorknob. Now, in DH's defense, EVERYTHING in this house that gets fixed causes something else to fail. I don't know who designed this house, but this is a case for karma. Just sayin'

So I waited a year. This weekend, he got as far as BUYING the new doorknob. Okay. Three day weekend, right? It's going to get put in. You have THREE full days. So I sit. I work. I say nothing. I am practically Amish.

But Tuesday comes...and that doorknob is not in and Mama? Mama ain't happy. So the reason it was more difficult than say, your average doorknob install was that the hole size was wrong. So you had to cut the hole bigger. Which I guess stopped DH in his tracks. I looked at the doorknob on the floor and I was like Popeye, that's all I can stand, I can't stands no more!

So I go to YouTube. Find out how to install a doorknob (and thank you Grandpa for showing me how to drill and plane -- you rock -- I'm totally calling him tonight!) And that baby is IN!! And it looks and locks awesome and as Jonah says, "It's better to do it yourself, Mom. You get bragging rights."


I totally do. And since he never reads my blog, I'm going to take full advantage. LOL I didn't grow up the daughter/granddaughter of Union tradesmen for nothing!

Is it possible to go wrong with bacon?

It might be. Denny's is currently having "Baconalia" -- their celebration of our salty, cured pork friend. I know this because my cubicle mates were going through all the pics and dreaming about lunch. At 11 a.m. or so. And now, I am DYING for some bacon!

There's a maple bacon sundae happening. That must have like a week's worth of fat/sugar/salt content, but I'm still just slightly tempted.


There are few foods worthy of poetry. But I'd have to say, bacon and chocolate are certainly worthy contenders. My son forgot his homework and called me a bajillion times at work, or Denny's and me would be getting intimate about now.

Collateral Damage

I had a dream last night about the little boy raised as someone else's. Everyone feels bad for Arnold's family and you know, I do too. But I really feel for that little boy. He's going through one of the hardest times of life (at 13) and he finds out his daddy isn't his daddy. His mom lied and worst of all: The Terminator is his father and didn't claim it. That's a lot for an adult to process. It came out today that the "father" is suing for falsifying the birth certificate.


Check out this picture. If Arnold could have acted that well in his career, he could have spared himself the political career.

My heart just goes out to that kid. To have this kind of "Who's my daddy?" issue is bad enough. To have it at 13 and publicly is criminal. I worked last night, so I'll watch Bachelorette after work today. Anything good?

I bought those nylons that look like you're wearing tights with a bad tan, so I'm going nylon-less today. Hope I don't scare anyone. But I put those suckers on, and it was like I was going to figure skating all over again. All I needed was the wrap-around skirt and I was ready to skate. Note to self: you are Italian, not Jamaican. Learn it when shopping for nylons.

I'm getting my hair cut, so I will have to check out one of those magazines that is piling up and see what's in style. We don't want to scare anyone or have them question my gender-preference, but I don't have time in the mornings to dry it. It's soo thick. Happy Tuesday all! One less day in the week, how bad can it be?

My Computer has a Hangover...

My computer (A Mac Air) is acting unstable this morning. I've been at Starbucks for about 90 minutes, and all I've done is talk. I kept trying to start up the computer, and it wasn't working great, but I thought it was just operator error because I was chatting up a storm. Nope, the thing needs to go visit an Apple genius, or whatever they call their geeks. Sigh. The family's going to the beach today. I'm working because DH is going to Edinburgh this month and my work time is limited.

Of course, I did have time to see "Bridesmaids" with my maid of honor last night. Okay, it is totally raunchy. Please don't go see it on my word. It's the kind of laughter you feel guilty about, but all that Catholic guilt didn't stop us last night. I literally was snorting in the movie and whacking my best friend's leg. I am SOOO annoying in a movie. She stopped going with me for years after I talked through "Titanic" -- but I've learned my lesson. I didn't talk, but I was laughing so hard, my stomach hurt. It is not easy to make me laugh in a movie, and this is NOT for the faint of heart. It was foul. So please don't go see it, and tell me how awful I am. I have a sick sense of humor. I get it. I'm not proud of it, but it is what it is.

The movie looked like it was filmed in Half Moon Bay and the Pulgas Water Temple in Redwood City (our hometown), but it didn't say in the credits. We stayed until the end, like good little nerds. At the end, I saw it was produced by Paul Feig. Paul Feig! You may not know who he is. But I LOVE him. He created "Freaks & Geeks" one of my favorite shows that only made it for a season. But I own it. (Beth bought it for me.)


I've even read Paul Feig's book. I'm a fan. I guess I have to watch the rest of his stuff. I'm usually not a raunchy humor fan. Like I didn't see the point or find "Hangover" funny, and maybe it was seeing the movie with Beth (we've been friends since we were four) and we were the only ones in the theater to get the George Glass reference, but now I guess I have to watch "Nurse Jackie" which he did as well.

So tune in tonight for our first "real" Bachelorette show. Though not sure they can top the drunk from last week. That was hysterical. And a little trivia for you, he's from my friend/editor Nancy Toback's hometown of Long Beach, Long Island. Way to represent, Nancy!

Happy Memorial Day! Praise God for all the men and women who gave the ultimate price for our freedoms. I'm in awe, truly! I will spend some redemption time today for my bad humor and "cleanse" my system. Promise.

So excited!!

I found a natural perfumer in California and she's a teacher! Now I'm praying she'll talk to me for my novel, so I can get the information I need about being a perfumer by day -- as a career. Isn't that an awesome job? I got into this idea because I can't wear "real" perfume. The chemicals bother me too much, so I wear only natural perfumes and cremes. Lo and behold, there are other "believers" out there in the essential oils "movement." Doesn't it seem so "Song of Solomon" and Biblical; this thing called natural beauty?

I'm seeing doing my research that there is so much out there, and it might be a hobby I would really love. This is the problem with me and research. I already have too many hobbies!

I'm definitely going to try some of these independent natural perfumers' products. Right now, I buy it at Whole Foods.


Elle at Glee

Remember I told you Auntie Beth bought her one of everything? Well, here she is wearing it all. That is a spoiled child! Or as we say at our house often, "That ain't no happy child...that's Elle." (From Toy Story!)


Real Housewives of NYC in Morocco


The NYC housewives, proved again why they're my favorites. Last night it was another battle of this season's blondes versus the brunettes. Though I do have to say since Alex is not my favorite, she really belongs in the brunette camp of reasonableness. And since we're switching teammates, I volunteer to give Cindy to the brunettes -- for creating the drama that has come to be known as "hangergate."

I take a lot of heat for watching this train wreck. Literally, everyone comes into my room and says, "Why are you watching this crap?" at some point in the show. I like it. It's more interesting than my life, so go away and let me input some garbage!

Since I am a brunette, I may be prejudice, but the blondes on this show are in need of some mental intervention in my humble opinion. How does one get this out of touch with their lives and reality? So the girls are going on a trip to Morocco. The brunettes fly out first and they are having the time of their lives. They're on a luxury plane, they're having a drink, they're chatting. They act like they're going on vacation.

The Blondes are preparing for battle. Ramona needs to be sure she has abundant hangers, someone to help her unpack and 600 count sheets. Which is the number I'd give her. As in she spent the trip 600 sheets to the wind. Regardless, Ramona and Sonia act like they're going into Desert Storm and will be forced to sleep on the desert floor.

As they get OFF the plane, they proceed to insult the driver (who speaks English) by complaining about the poverty they must witness. Poor babies. Once they get to the mansion they've rented, Sonya and Ramona will not leave their luggage, and pretty much accuse the poor guy standing beside the van of wanting to steal their stuff. One look at these chicks, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want anything to do with their crap. His own wife would probably be stoned for wearing the sleazy sparkle dresses they've brought.

Hospitality is everything in middle-eastern countries, so their attitude is why Americans have such a hard time traveling. They may be rich, but they have absolutely NO manners. All I can say is after the blondes arrive, they've done nothing to broker women's rights in the middle-east. No doubt, the guys are saying, look what happens when you give the women a little leeway?

By the time the blondes finish unpacking, half the trip is over. They did fight over hangers, which Cindy accused them of stealing. I think she was probably just tired and forgot what a mess she left in her room, but regardless, the catty gossip begins.

Then, instead of napping after a long trip across the world, or lunching with the brunettes, Sonya and Ramona do what drunks do. They head to a nearby luxury hotel to get sloshed.

After that, they all head to a party in slutty dresses through the streets of Marrakesh to their gay friend's party. I can't imagine why Muslim countries don't want to import us, can you? There are snakes present (the kind that slither plus Sonja) and a psychic who tells Ramona there is another woman in her husband's life.

I'm not familiar with psychics, but I didn't know they told you bad news like that. It doesn't seem to phase Ramona and she celebrates with another Pinot Grigio, because life seems to be something you numb yourself to, not actually live.

Either way, the show was extremely tacky (YAY!) and everyone here did their job and told me I was lame for watching it. That may be, but it's a better and shorter escape than Pinot Grigio. And I'm sober at the end of it.