St. Lucia's tourism board did not give Juan Pablo a script.
There is water...there are mountains...it is pretty.
Is he writing a book for Camilla or describing the scene with his limited English? Clare is the first to show up, and she's as annoying as ever. Clare tells us she wants to be able to have serious one-on-one time. While she narrates this call to romance, Juan Pablo gropes her as she climbs on their yacht.
She tells us that back in Vietnam they went for a swim in the ocean, which made him feel uncomfortable. Is that code for "walking the Appalachian trail?" Because if she's worrying about Juan Pablo feeling disrespected, I think she can move on...so she's really not sure if "spending the night together is the best idea."
Sure, Clare. We believe you. Juan Pablo starts to play head games with Clare and implies Clare's Mom is on it, and Lara (her sister) is the spawn of Satan. Real men don't divide families, Clare. Your sister Lara may have issues, but she's right on target about this vapid Bachelor.
Cue obligatory jump from the boat into the water together scene. While Clare again tries to make us believe she's hesitating about the fantasy suite.
Rather than the "Girls Tell All" episode, this season needs a "Producers Tell All" episode. I mean, you have to know, they have cut this film to the bare minimum to make Juan Pablo appear like a decent catch.
Clare lets him know that HIS reputation with his daughter matters to him. But basically, you're not going to call her out as a tramp this time. He assures her with some mumbling of crap I couldn't hear. But it works. Because Clare is not really hesitating at all.
I have to admit, I have been very innocent about these Fantasy Suite dates and have always assumed they were talking. This time, I have no such fantasies. This guy is a dog.
Clare tries to tell him she's falling in love, but he quickly shuts her up with his false, "Let me grab your face, kiss you and stop you from talking." He actually asks her, "Why are you thinking so much?"
Cue Obligatory Hot Tub Scene. Okay, I read this Tweet last night, "I'd rather drink a gallon of Bachelor Hot Tub Water than let my daughter go on this show."
ANDI -- She needs a beer.
They play the steel drums in the local village. Then, they sit down with two darling kids an they soon play a pick-up game on the beach.
He speaks English JUST FINE when he tells Andi all about her father "disrespecting" him. What a loser. If someone talked about my dad like that, he'd be out the door.
Show of hands for who believes this line:
Andi: I'd rather overthink it than underthink it.
Juan Pablo: Me too.
Next Morning, Juan Pablo: We talked and laughed for hours. Like hours. Like hours. Andi could be the one. I'm happy. I'm very happy.
ANDI: I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite. I saw a side to him that I really didn't like, and the whole night was just a disaster.
Hmm. Two different points of view here. Apparently, Juan Pablo is a bit of a narcissist and never asked about her. And he told her about his overnight with Clare. He has no filter and Juan Pablo's charm has clearly worn out its welcome here.
Translation: How did I not see that he was so dumb before now? Answer: Producers and careful handling.
Shows up in Pocahontas's bikini and some 70's parachute pants for a horse ride to the beach. I love when Juan Pablo knits his brows together. "What is that burning smell? Oh, I must be thinking."
"There's three people," he tells Nikki. Oh my gosh, he cannot make anyone feel at ease because he wants them all to fight over him, so he can feel powerful. Nikki could be a good partner for him, he tells us. Because she's pretty. And she cares about people.
Nikki tells him she loves him and I cannot understand the drivel that he offers back, but it certainly isn't I love you too. It's something like, "Yeah, you're into all this. I know." (My Translation.)
Next Up -- Andi's Confrontation of Juan Pablo:
She's not in love with him, and she's not going to be. He's like, "It's fine."
This ticks her off. "It's not okay."
"If you don't feel it, there's nothing I can do."
He tells her she only had to think about ONE guy. He had to think about 27 women. "Am I going to die right now? No. Is it sad for me? Yeah."
She tries to pull some emotion out there, but it's not there. Andi has the line of the night when she tells him there's a difference between being honest and being an a-hole.
She tells him that he has no idea what religion she is, how she feels about social issues, and he tries to zing her with, "Okay, what religion am I?"
"Catholic." This shuts him down.
Poor Juan Pablo is no match for a DA -- she debates for a living, but he tells her, she should have brought up this stuff in the fantasy suite. LOL It's HER fault. I mean, she ARGUES with him. "I'm not going to argue with a lawyer."
He tells us if she wanted to stay, he'd say no. Big talk from a guy who just got DUMPED by his number three on "The Bachelor."
Andi's words of wisdom and lesson learned, "He doesn't get it. He never will." But at least she got a trip around the world while she learned that crap lesson. Some of us never leave town for it.
Chris announces Andi is gone. Nikki wants to know why she's gone. Clare just blinks and waits to be picked. JP tells them, she was not feeling right. It hurt, he says. But there is nothing he can do about it. He tells them if they have issues to come and talk to him. He will understand, because you mean nothing more to him than the next chick he has to charm into believing he wants a relationship.
So everyone that is saying that Juan Pablo is the worst Bachelor of all time. I can't say that. For me, it will always be Jake Pavelka -- who I think it is a sociopath. However, Juan Pablo is arrogant and not that bright, his interaction with people was SOO shallow that I think Chris Harrison wants to turn to the camera, and say, "Do you see, America? Do you see why you're idiots at casting, and you should leave picking contestants to us?"
I answer a hearty, "YES, Chris Harrison. We were wrong. Forgive us, and please don't bring us anyone with an IQ not bigger than their shoe size! And no more foreigners. It was cute. But the fantasy is over."