Not really a fan of Padma's, but I'm reading her book because of her honesty. #Memoir
Prom this year...all about your personal style

#TheBachelorFinale

I just learned I'm in for a three hour tour.  Seriously?  That never ends well.  Why on earth do they need three hours?  

We're down to JoJo and Lauren.  I love both of them, and apparently, Ben does too.  By way of excuse, he tells us he can't help how he feels.  Why can't I sum up any sympathy for him and his feels? Oh right.  Because it's kind of a douchy thing to do.

Ben's Mom Amy is disturbed by this development, but she's not Italian, so she doesn't slap him upside the head and tell him to "Snap out of it!"

LAUREN MEETS BEN'S PARENTS

Lauren is the first to show up.  She and Ben's dad discuss if they're both ready for marriage. Lauren tries to seal the deal with Ben's mom by telling her that Ben told her he loved her.  Yeah, get in line, Mom is thinking. In some eerie foreshadowing Lauren says they haven't had to deal with anything difficult.  Yet. Mom and Lauren are holding hands though. Bonding has occurred.

JOJO MEETS BEN'S PARENTS

JoJo and Ben can't stop mauling each other while meeting the parents.  JoJo gushes to his parents about how much they get along.  Ben's parents are team Lauren after meeting her, so JoJo has to prove herself.  That's sad because JoJo is awesome. She wins Dad David over, but I'm not so sure about Mom Amy. 

JoJo confronts Ben to make sure that "they're on the same page." And he answers her with a kiss and an "I love you" 

MY CHOICE

Personally, I like Ben better with JoJo, but I think Lauren seems more like approvable wife material, so I wonder if he'll pick her.  I seriously cannot believe he hasn't made up his mind yet, and hope that he's acting.  But I don't think he is.

THE PASTOR

They're teasing us with a possible wedding and have Ben's pastor standing by.  Poor guy is thumbing frantically through his Bible, hoping to find an answer as to why his on this crazy show. All that theology and it's come down to this.

FINAL DATE WITH LAUREN

They're on a catamaran cuddling until Lauren asks if he's slept and Ben says he hasn't.  Then, rather than answer the deep stuff says, "You're beautiful."  The Romeo's "Shut Up." They sit on the beach and she wants to know if there are any doubts.  He's worried things might be too good to be true and she notes his unrest -- how will they weather a storm together if they haven't been tested.  He and JoJo have been tested.  Okay, I think this is why I'm team JoJo. She voiced her opinion during the tough times.  Lauren has just kind of been perfect without questioning him.  As a woman, I'm suspicious of that. Oh, and my daughter says her contouring looks bad.  She is, however, ready to spend the rest of her life with Ben and tells him so. He tells her, "No matter what happens, you've made me a better person."  Ouch.  That is not what you want to hear from the man you're expecting an engagement ring from. She's crying as she tells the camera she can't picture her life without Ben.

She wants to lay on his shoulder and cry -- but that shoulder may be otherwise occupied, so she cries alone.

FINAL DATE WITH JOJO

 Ben's face lights up when he sees JoJo.  They're just joined at the lips when they see each other.  JoJo is confident that she will Ben's wife, which of course, on "The Bachelor" does not bode well for her. They're swimming in the "Blue Hole" -- ie., the pervert producers want JoJo in a bikini again.  If Ben has already decided on Lauren, his lips haven't caught up with his brain because he's making the most of this date.

Ben tells JoJo he doesn't know who he wants to propose to -- at least they discuss it.  I feel like they're more real. But perhaps they just have more drama. He tells her that she has become his best friend. Then, they have a deep conversation on the bathroom floor.  He admits that he loves Lauren too.  And that he told Lauren the same thing.  They end the date telling each other, "I love you."

Ben tells us he's a confused man.  Are we supposed to feel sorry for him? 

NEIL LANE

Neil Lane arrives and says, "Tell me about her."

"Uh, which one?" He doesn't really ask, but he does.  Neil looks confused.  He picks either a cushion cut or an emerald cut and apparently, is confused no more.   

THE END:

Lauren looks amazing in a royal blue full-length sheath dress.  JoJo looks amazing in a baby pink beaded gown that show off the assets she clearly paid for.  Not that she doesn't look great, but what is it about a girl with implants that they must share them with us all? 

JOJO

When JoJo arrives first, she says she's not running from this and Ben is just downright cruel.  "I found love with you, but I found it with somebody else, more."  He says he doesn't question that he does love her -- uh dude, and you're going to get engaged?  Take some time.  Even that loser with the bar in Texas walked away rather than propose when he didn't know.  She says, "It's fine."  We all know that it isn't. She chastises him for telling her he loved her. They hug and she gets the limo ride from the dark side.  Can they not spring for a box of Kleenex?  At least a roll of toilet paper?  Why has no one ever stuffed a tissue in their bra?  They always get blindsided.

She still says she can't hate him.  She was so in love.  I can't even be excited to watch the proposal because I feel badly for JoJo.  Truthfully, I can say goodbye to Lauren, but I'm sad to see JoJo go.  ; (

LAUREN 

The phone call is to Lauren's dad.  Ben wants to make her the happiest woman in the world -- well, that was a quick recovery.   Lauren tells Ben that she wanted their time on the porch to be the "last first kiss" she ever had and that "you're my person.  I love you."  So cute.

Ben tells her he came into this worrying that he was unlovable.  That they had a journey full of goodbyes, but he never wants to say goodbye to her.  He gets down on one knee and asks.  She says yes, and he slides a freaking ice cube on her finger. He tells her, "You're my person." 

They're engaged.  Why did that feel like such a letdown? 

Comments