I ran across this comment today on an article, and I have to say, I've seen this COUNTLESS times.
"There is nothing any worse than living with the narcissist' constant criticism/manipulation over them and their children, having lost all friendships and family relationships, to then battle the judicial system and then be told by church clergy that you need to stay in the marriage for better or for worse. YOU, as clergy have no clue what that person has gone through and your ill founded, ignorant comments only make this person and their children's' lives worse. As clergy please become better educated on the mental and physiological abuse a narcissist delivers to their family members before you 'as a man of God' tell them they need to stay in the relationship because it was for better or for worse."
I'll just say here that God doesn't want a fake, abusive marriage over a soul. He just doesn't, and I've seen souls broken in these kinds of marriages.
The church is actually helping an abuser to abuse in these cases. Pastors assume that all men have their family's best interest at heart and they take men at face value. There are men in the church who are incapable of love. In addition, the women haven't been loved in these marriages. They've been criticized, controlled and beaten down. So in a church therapy setting, they tend to look unstable. While the Narc sits there cool as a cucumber. So counselors wrongly assume the wife is the problem. FYI, no ONE person is ever the problem in the marriage. Why is that so difficult for people to understand?
I've seen Stanford-educated women go through this pain WITHIN THE CHURCH -- her ex went onto marry some young innocent and have a big family. He also took half of the business she built and you know what? She would have given him more just to get rid of him.
I've seen three women left by men who later became gay. You know what pastors told them? THEY were the reasons their husbands didn't want to sleep with them. Their nasty nagging. Um, no misogynistic pastors. That is not the reason.
I've been in the Christian marketplace for a long time, so I've heard a lot of stories that would make your toes curl. Writing my book, "Swimming to the Surface" which is a fictional account of one of my friend's stories, I've heard from lots of women who dealt with the same issues. It breaks my heart. I've also heard from people who tell me nasty things about not knowing what I'm talking about, but I ignore them. I couldn't care less if they believe me or not.
I wrote it for the women who need to hear that they're not crazy. That they're doing enough. FYI, speaking of being crazy, that's STILL not a reason to be unloved. I once knew a man whose wife was in a mental institution. He wouldn't divorce her and when someone asked him why, he said, "Have you met her? How could anyone not love her?"
That's how a husband should talk about his wife. Perhaps not all the time, but overall. Abusers use their "image" at the church to inflict damage. I mean, look at what's happening right now to the women who is suing Ailes at Fox News for sexual harrassment. This is what Geraldo Rivera said about the woman: "vindictive screed designed to damage reputations.”
Really Geraldo? Were you there 24/7? You know he's such a good guy? Abusers don't abuse in front of you. They use their power when no one is around. Why can't Geraldo let the courts decide if Ailes is guilty? You don't think those words are abusing Andrea Tantaros all over again? The good ol' boys network sounds alive and well. The really sad thing is that it's alive in the church.
This is for the pastors who need to up their discernment game:
1 Timothy 3: 1-5
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.