Aye Matey -- Colton as a Pirate #TheBachelor

The Bachelor opens at some cheesy theme party restaurant where wannabe actors must humiliate themselves to make a living while waiting to break into Hollywood. They dress up as pirates and put on a show. It's horrifying and it makes me very glad my kids are past this age.

PIRATE LOVE

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Caelynn and Hannah talk again about their fake beauty pageant drama and up their rivalry. Then, they dress like tramps and have a competition where they try and "beat" each other with a padded board off the 'plank.' Caelynn is the winner of this fake competition and goes off with dread pirate Colton. Hannah B is left in the audience visually seething and plotting poisonous ideas in her mind.

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Demi is ridiculous and such a producer-pick. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard and she seems to have an obsession with the "cougars" ie., anyone older than 27. She tells us she is the only one who excites Colton and makes him nervous. Courtney tries to talk to Demi and give her a clue, but she's not having it. She is here to grow her Instagram followers and maybe get a villain guest appearance on "Riverdale."

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CAELYNN & HANNAH B

Caelynn talks to Colton and I have to say for playing his "V" card up so much, he's a very handsy dude. Meanwhile, Hannah B is stalker-watching them and making herself turn into single white female. She then decides it's a good idea to approach Colton with the passive-aggressive ultimatum, "If you like her, you can't like me." Which after their awful date, you'd think she'd wait this one out. Caelynn acts ignorant of this rivalry because she is in it to win it. She then gets the group date rose. "He is fixing to beef with people!" My daughter says.

ONE-ON-ONE WITH ELYSE

Elyse is the gorgeous redhead. They're going to Belmont Park in San Diego. Colton announces it's not a one-on-on and then a few children come screaming around the corner. They're all from a local hospital and it's so sweet. They're both so good with the kids and it's nice to see his charity at work. It gets kids out of the hospital. How amazing is that?

They enter a grand ballroom, which has "private concert" written all over it. Elyse tells the excruciating story of losing her sister -- who carried her baby to term with cancer. The baby was born, but her sister passed. It's nice that both of them can connect on the hardships they've endured. Then, surprise they get a concert by Tenille Arts.

COLTON SHIRTLESS

My daughter says she is not disappointed in how many shirtless shots they are showing of Colton. Now he's working out when the group date arrives and everyone gets a shirtless hug. Oh my gosh, it's Terry Crews and his wife. I LOOOVE Terry Crews. But this "workout" date is my nightmare. The "strongest" woman wins. Fred Willard is there to call it Now I want to watch "Best in Show." Who wants to get gross on a date?


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Elle says this is her future. Showing up for "Bachelor" competitions in the audience. They play the "Six Million Dollar Man" music, which is unfortunate because no one knows what that sound is anymore. Onyeka won and still looks good. She's a beast, good on her! They take off in the limo.

Then he sent Caitlin home for some unknown reason before the rose ceremony. How utterly humiliating. He said he didn't feel the spark. Dang, that's brutal. Nicole gets the group date rose.

POOL PARTY

There's a pool party. It's boring. Fake drama. Fast forward. We stop at Caelynn starts talking crap about Hannah B to Colton because she's clearly never seen the show before. I don't know that Hannah B is smart enough to be the manipulator that Caelynn calls her: Toxic. Deceitful. Manipulative. I think I'm going Hannah B on this one. I think she's got serious self-esteem issues, but I think it's the other one who is a problem. Opinions?

I don't know why Colton is acting like this is rocket science. Just wait it out. Instead, he's talking to Dr. Chris, who of course, has OUR best interest in mind--and that means drama.

I made it through a whole show!! Yay me!

I have no idea who went home. LOL



New PBS Adaptation of "Les Miserables"



I can't think of a story I enjoy more than "Les Miserables." The only time I ever went to the movie on Christmas Day was when the new version came out in 2012. That was disappointing. Although I loved Eddie Redmayne in it. This one is not a musical, which is fine. The story stands on its own. It's the best prodigal story there is. Anyway, this wasn't isn't due until April of 2019, but I'm stoked! This is a movie they cannot remake enough for me.



Misogyny in the Church & Judgment

Misogyny in the church is shown in subtle ways -- and sometimes, not so subtle ways. Regardless, it is insidious. God loves men and women equally. One sex is not BETTER than the other. We are different to accomplish God's purpose but equal in his sight.


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I know a young woman who is really struggling with her faith because of how she's been taught that women are less than men. Here are just some examples. Her father had her read Proverbs where the POOR young innocent man has been led astray, by the terrible vixen -- the lustful woman. Now, there are lustful women out there, but a man is responsible for himself and we have to stop treating men like they get some special compensation because they can't control their lusts. That's ON THEM. To me, this attitude in the church is just like women being forced to wear the Burqa by the Taliban because a man can't be responsible for himself. This young woman read that as "women are evil" and "men are their victims."

Now, this same young girl I'm speaking of is also told by her father that David is a man after God's own heart. I think it comes with age that we understand King David is a complete screw-up, but he loves the Lord and his heart is inclined toward God. But let's be honest, Bathsheba pays a terrible price for David having had her husband killed so that he could have her as his own. And rather than blame her for being a lustful woman, I'm going to say in that timeframe, she had very little choice if King David wanted her for his own. But we don't really hear about Bathsheba's pain having lost their baby. We do hear that David is a man after God's own heart -- but you have to take the WHOLE of David and not this piece. Just like all of us. Imagine if we were judged forever due to our one awful sin that we wish we could take back? But I have a really hard time with pastors who take issue with Bathsheba, but NOT David.

I'm getting sidetracked. God is not a misogynist. But many of his followers are. I'm going to tell you a subtle way this is still being taught in the church. I recently picked up a Christian book by a respected pastor of a mega church -- it is published by a very large Christian publisher. This pastor was preaching on intimacy. He was saying that it's not just sex that brings intimacy, but it's time and connection when spending time together. He said that you could even have intimacy while watching football -- but not "The Bachelor" because that is unbiblical.

I kept flipping the page to see if he said, "Just kidding." But nope. Stopped right there. But not the Bachelor because that is unbiblical. Did he add to the Gospel? If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved -- oh, and you don't watch 'The Bachelor.'"

If this pastor had clarified his meaning and said, "You can create intimacy by watching football, or maybe a chick flick on the Hallmark Channel" I would have been fine. But he did not say that. He did not qualify the television watching for anything his wife wanted to watch. He said football -- ie., what the MAN wants. You know, football. With all those cheesy beer commercials with women bouncing in bikinis and the questionable website ads -- that football? SOO Biblical! (Sarcasm.) Of course, that's all the lustful women on those commercials and cheerleading, so men are completely innocent here, I suppose.

Now, I'm not going to defend "The Bachelor." It's crap. We who watch it, know it's crap. I will admit, I never thought the fantasy suite was more than talking, but I've been enlightened by people who tell me I'm far too naive and I read one too many Jane Austen novels. There are definitely unbiblical things happening on that show, and I get that.

But so many of these self-righteous types who would call a woman out for watching "The Bachelor" also watch "Game of Thrones" or "The Walking Dead" or also may have a porn issue behind closed doors. Essentially, these men need to worry about themselves and not preach to women as if THEY are our salvation and not Jesus.

I'm just so over Christians judging other Christians based on their own version of Christianity. Pride and judging others doesn't make us holier, it makes us self-righteous and obnoxious.

My daughter has been watching some Netflix show on people in jail. (I don't know what it's called) but it's really giving her a heart for people who are in dire circumstances -- because people don't generally just end up in jail. Sometimes they're abandoned on the street. Sometimes, they have to turn tricks to eat because they have no family to turn to. Sometimes their parents are on drugs and they have nowhere to go.

Everyone has a story and their sin is based on that story and the struggles they've overcome. How lucky for someone to be able to judge what other people are watching on television! It means that you have enough to eat, you have a roof over your head. You're not in jail, your loved ones don't have a drug/drinking issue or battle major illness. Because you have time to judge what others watch for entertainment as if you're Jesus Himself.

Good luck with that.

Instead of judging, maybe you should be grateful that God didn't give you one of the harder lessons in life. Like the one that I watched last night on "Evil Lives Here." An African-American woman watched her husband descend into madness from mental illness (probably paranoid schizophrenia) and the police couldn't do anything to help her -- because he hadn't hurt anyone. Until he murdered their three sons while they slept and disappeared into the neighborhood until police apprehended him. I really doubt if God cares if this woman watches, "The Bachelor." But maybe I'm wrong. I'll take my chances.

I'd rather watch "The Bachelor" with her than football with that pastor any day of the week. Why? Because that woman doesn't have time for pious false facades and ridiculous judgments on others. She's genuine because she doesn't have the energy to be anything else. She's not pronouncing she's a better Christian than you because she doesn't watch television. She's in the thick of the worst struggle imaginable every single day of her life. This woman looked so normal you'd never know she'd been through such horror. How many others just like her are walking into our churches and being judged by someone for something the Christian machine added to the Gospel?

My point here is simple. You're not a better brand of Christian if you can't meet people where they are and the fact that our Christian market pays pastors to tell this lie is maddening.

No one is going to hell for watching "The Bachelor." And no one is getting any closer in marriage by always watching what the MAN wants to watch on television. Dude, go turn on the Hallmark Channel and let your wife build some intimacy.


Has #SouthernCharm Jumped the Shark for Me?

It's no secret that I love me some "Southern Charm" -- but the last two episodes have left me with this icky, annoying feeling. First, there was last week opening with that bed scene with Thomas and his new child bride -- ahem, I mean girlfriend. Then, there was this week with "guy's night out" at the local bar where we got to see the pick-up styles of old-school Thomas, which harkens back to a time when bosses slapped their secretaries on the behinds and told them to run along now.

First off, as someone near Thomas's age, I find it really creepy that he hangs out in bars with twenty and thirty-year-olds. Since I have CHILDREN this age and don't date people this age, I keep thinking of myself hanging out in a bar with my boys and trying to pick up their friends. It's disgusting! I understand that it's a TV show and the old dudes came up with the concept, so they get to be in on the "fun." But it's just not so enjoyable to me to watch lecherous old dudes hitting on young women. I was a young woman once, and I remember those creeps.

On that note, Ashley, honey. Why do you allow a man to disrespect you so badly? Your ancient boyfriend stands behind you at a party and frames your bum with his hands to his friends and tells them, "I like a tiny hiney." It is VOMIT inducing. Didn't your daddy tell you how precious and beautiful you are? You're better than this. No woman should be treated like that, but in these times of the #MeToo movement, even more so.


When I was 24, I began dating my husband. He looked really young for his age, but when he told me he was 33, I was like, "HE'S SOOOOO OLD!" I can't even imagine what someone in their 50's would feel like to a woman that age. I shudder at the thought. When Thomas talks about the moon landing, that event would probably be before Ashley's parents even met and married. Does she know we landed on the moon?

My kids were raised on a steady diet of '80's trivia and classic rock from the 70's, so I'd like to think they're more well-rounded than the average 20-year olds -- but still, what does a person in their 50's have in common with someone in their 20's? Besides the obvious, I mean.

And what about Thomas Ravenel giving dating advice to JD? Dude, he's not divorced yet and he's the father of four young kids. He's not exactly prime dating material BECAUSE HE IS STILL ACTUALLY MARRIED. The way Thomas just thinks JD needs to go to the gym and leave behind the life he created with Liz is weird. Most men take care of their families. Even if they leave them. Unlike Thomas, who pays for Ashley's apartment after a week of knowing her, but lets the mother of his two kids walk around with a busted iPhone. That says a lot about character. Even if Kathryn was an egg donor and surrogate, she would have fared better than falling in love with Thomas and having his children. Think about that. It's like what, $30k an egg now?

Last night just left me grossed out. Why is Bravo allowing this gold ol' boys mentality on their supposedly forward-thinking network?

Well, maybe it's just a have/have-not way of thinking. I mean, poor Michael had to massage Cameron's feet last night. I did love this video with her explaining that she felt no pain or remorse. LOL




Schadenfreude: #90DayFiance #LoveAfterLockup

Definition of schadenfreude
: enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others

I really don't enjoy other people's pain. I'm too empathetic. I feel badly and I want to rescue people from themselves. Nowhere is this more true than when I religiously watch "90 Day Fiancé." It's a train wreck. A dumpster fire. But you can't look away. You're screaming at your television set, "No girl, he don't love you!" (You have bad grammar when you're screaming at your own television set.)


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This couple is from the latest season. Molly is a bra specialist who owns and runs her own boutique -- she's also a mother of two girls. Luis is a bartender she met in the Dominican Republic. He is closer in age to her daughter than to Molly. He's also a complete jerk. I have to admit, initially, I had high hopes for Luis because one of the best love matches was a vacation romance with a guy from Jamaica and a single mom. (Melanie & Devar)


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One of the best things about their season was Melanie's sister Bev barking at her constantly of what an idiot she was being. She's say how Devar only loved her for her green card and worse. Somehow, you didn't believe Bev and you rooted for the couple -- plus Bev was just pure entertainment. Incidentally, Devar & Melanie married and just welcomed a baby. Devar, unlike Luis, was so good with Melanie's son. It just warmed my heart.

The show is hard on couples who really do fall in love and want to get married because there is such abuse of this K1 Visa to bring a would-be spouse to America. Even on the show. Alexei & Loren were very vocal about how it annoyed them because it makes it hard for real couples to obtain the visa with all the rules.

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Watching these shows is like being Sherlock Holmes himself. Or maybe a divine prophet. You feel brilliant. You can see the future. Why can't they see the future? (Granted, it's really a producer who sees the future and edits in a way that makes you feel as if you solved the crime. I love watching people give it all up for love. Because none of us can really see our own flaws or mistakes in real time. We walk into our life lessons with well-meaning friends and family shouting warnings behind us, but no. We don't listen. Because love is the strongest emotion we can experience. And it blinds us to the truth in countless ways.

Now, comes a new show that is supposed to be even more tragic than "90 Day Fiancé." Naturally, it's brought to us by the good people who brought us "90 Day Fiancé" but this show is called "Love After Lockup." You guessed it. Men and women finding love with the incarcerated. Because who doesn't love a good prison romance?

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While I may not be proud of it, I'm giving "Love After Lockup" a chance. And not because of Schadenfreude.

EDIT: I can't take the Love After Lockup. Cannot identify at all, so I'm out.


#TheBachelorFinale

I just learned I'm in for a three hour tour.  Seriously?  That never ends well.  Why on earth do they need three hours?  

We're down to JoJo and Lauren.  I love both of them, and apparently, Ben does too.  By way of excuse, he tells us he can't help how he feels.  Why can't I sum up any sympathy for him and his feels? Oh right.  Because it's kind of a douchy thing to do.

Ben's Mom Amy is disturbed by this development, but she's not Italian, so she doesn't slap him upside the head and tell him to "Snap out of it!"

LAUREN MEETS BEN'S PARENTS

Lauren is the first to show up.  She and Ben's dad discuss if they're both ready for marriage. Lauren tries to seal the deal with Ben's mom by telling her that Ben told her he loved her.  Yeah, get in line, Mom is thinking. In some eerie foreshadowing Lauren says they haven't had to deal with anything difficult.  Yet. Mom and Lauren are holding hands though. Bonding has occurred.

JOJO MEETS BEN'S PARENTS

JoJo and Ben can't stop mauling each other while meeting the parents.  JoJo gushes to his parents about how much they get along.  Ben's parents are team Lauren after meeting her, so JoJo has to prove herself.  That's sad because JoJo is awesome. She wins Dad David over, but I'm not so sure about Mom Amy. 

JoJo confronts Ben to make sure that "they're on the same page." And he answers her with a kiss and an "I love you" 

MY CHOICE

Personally, I like Ben better with JoJo, but I think Lauren seems more like approvable wife material, so I wonder if he'll pick her.  I seriously cannot believe he hasn't made up his mind yet, and hope that he's acting.  But I don't think he is.

THE PASTOR

They're teasing us with a possible wedding and have Ben's pastor standing by.  Poor guy is thumbing frantically through his Bible, hoping to find an answer as to why his on this crazy show. All that theology and it's come down to this.

FINAL DATE WITH LAUREN

They're on a catamaran cuddling until Lauren asks if he's slept and Ben says he hasn't.  Then, rather than answer the deep stuff says, "You're beautiful."  The Romeo's "Shut Up." They sit on the beach and she wants to know if there are any doubts.  He's worried things might be too good to be true and she notes his unrest -- how will they weather a storm together if they haven't been tested.  He and JoJo have been tested.  Okay, I think this is why I'm team JoJo. She voiced her opinion during the tough times.  Lauren has just kind of been perfect without questioning him.  As a woman, I'm suspicious of that. Oh, and my daughter says her contouring looks bad.  She is, however, ready to spend the rest of her life with Ben and tells him so. He tells her, "No matter what happens, you've made me a better person."  Ouch.  That is not what you want to hear from the man you're expecting an engagement ring from. She's crying as she tells the camera she can't picture her life without Ben.

She wants to lay on his shoulder and cry -- but that shoulder may be otherwise occupied, so she cries alone.

FINAL DATE WITH JOJO

 Ben's face lights up when he sees JoJo.  They're just joined at the lips when they see each other.  JoJo is confident that she will Ben's wife, which of course, on "The Bachelor" does not bode well for her. They're swimming in the "Blue Hole" -- ie., the pervert producers want JoJo in a bikini again.  If Ben has already decided on Lauren, his lips haven't caught up with his brain because he's making the most of this date.

Ben tells JoJo he doesn't know who he wants to propose to -- at least they discuss it.  I feel like they're more real. But perhaps they just have more drama. He tells her that she has become his best friend. Then, they have a deep conversation on the bathroom floor.  He admits that he loves Lauren too.  And that he told Lauren the same thing.  They end the date telling each other, "I love you."

Ben tells us he's a confused man.  Are we supposed to feel sorry for him? 

NEIL LANE

Neil Lane arrives and says, "Tell me about her."

"Uh, which one?" He doesn't really ask, but he does.  Neil looks confused.  He picks either a cushion cut or an emerald cut and apparently, is confused no more.   

THE END:

Lauren looks amazing in a royal blue full-length sheath dress.  JoJo looks amazing in a baby pink beaded gown that show off the assets she clearly paid for.  Not that she doesn't look great, but what is it about a girl with implants that they must share them with us all? 

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When JoJo arrives first, she says she's not running from this and Ben is just downright cruel.  "I found love with you, but I found it with somebody else, more."  He says he doesn't question that he does love her -- uh dude, and you're going to get engaged?  Take some time.  Even that loser with the bar in Texas walked away rather than propose when he didn't know.  She says, "It's fine."  We all know that it isn't. She chastises him for telling her he loved her. They hug and she gets the limo ride from the dark side.  Can they not spring for a box of Kleenex?  At least a roll of toilet paper?  Why has no one ever stuffed a tissue in their bra?  They always get blindsided.

She still says she can't hate him.  She was so in love.  I can't even be excited to watch the proposal because I feel badly for JoJo.  Truthfully, I can say goodbye to Lauren, but I'm sad to see JoJo go.  ; (

LAUREN 

The phone call is to Lauren's dad.  Ben wants to make her the happiest woman in the world -- well, that was a quick recovery.   Lauren tells Ben that she wanted their time on the porch to be the "last first kiss" she ever had and that "you're my person.  I love you."  So cute.

Ben tells her he came into this worrying that he was unlovable.  That they had a journey full of goodbyes, but he never wants to say goodbye to her.  He gets down on one knee and asks.  She says yes, and he slides a freaking ice cube on her finger. He tells her, "You're my person." 

They're engaged.  Why did that feel like such a letdown? 


#TheBachelor -- Week 4 My Recap

"Vegas is a place where you do find love."  No, it's not.  It's a place where you find viral infections, but let's get started.  The Bachelor is in Vegas -- let the drama begin!

The twins -- who share one brain -- were raised in Vegas.  That was not nice.  I'm snarky tonight.  Sorry, girls.  You're going home, that's a good thing, right?  The-Bachelor-Ben-Higgins

The girls go nuts seeing their names on a light-up sign.  It's so reminiscent of the puppet show edition of "Burning Love" -- A Bachelorette parody.  Everyone goes nuts for a puppet show.  We open in the gym with the twins on the same treadmill.  They should really be on the Utah version of the Bachelor -- someone looking for two wives might be better for them.

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Jojo gets the one-on-one and they get taken out by a wind gust from the helicopter.  This is entertainment. They have great chemistry and keep kissing.  This sends Olivia -- who is planning her wedding into full "Single White Female" mode.  Especially when she finds out she's on the next group date. 

Jojo uses her date to whine about all her insecurities because of her last boyfriend.  What about going on a date?  Don't people have fun anymore?  Or do they just vomit up all their issues? I guess you are on a fast track to love. Ben shuts her up by kissing her.  And she gets a rose.  Score one for chemistry. Now they're on the top of a building watching Fireworks.  Man, the producers have run out of creativity.

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With each explosion, a little piece of Olivia's heart breaks off.  

GROUP DATE: Talent Show

The twins are grateful for their mom enrolling them in Irish dance.  Olivia grabs up the sparkle striptease outfit, and she's going to do "whatever it takes." The puppeteer lets them know that Vegas audiences are the new "Night at the Apollo."  

 The twins' Riverdance is actually really impressed.  I'm swayed.  Jubilee plays the cello.  Is there anything that girl can't do?  I have such a girl crush.  I want to be her!

The grand finale is Olivia popping out of a cake in a cape, sparkly bikini and a complete lack of talent. To all this awkward would be a compliment. Then, she has a panic attack -- which she does well. Poor thing. She actually looks gorgeous while she has it.  That's something!

Caila gets some alone time and turns into a "tigress." Lauren H kisses a puppet -- and it's sweet.  She and Ben are cute together.  Olivia needs to talk.  She's mortified.  Her explanation is actually worse than the "dance." He tells her she shouldn't be embarrassed and then, one of the twins "steals" him. 

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Then, Lauren B comes along and it feels all over again.  They are so cute together and he just instantly goes toward her.  She lets us know she's terrified.  They actually have a real conversation and it feels the most normal.  The, we go back to Olivia's neuroses. 

The rose goes to...Lauren B.

ONE-ON-ONE with BECCA:

Becca receives a wedding gown and they head to the Little White Chapel -- no doubt to be married by Elvis or the like.  -- oh no, he's ordained and they're going to marry other people.  They marry a very sweet couple and my daughter tells me if this is her wedding, please just do her in then and there.  LOL Apparently, she does not want to get married in Vegas.  

Wow, they married a ton of couples.  Then, they go to the NEON museum, which I'm pretty sure is haunted.  I think I saw it on one of my ghost shows.  LOL  Oh, on a sidenote, I have a friend who moved into a haunted complex and the stories have been way fun. 

Becca bores me.  Can you tell?  I'm wishing for a Supernatural event. 

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Becca gets the rose.  Snore.

 The twins get a "two-on-one" -- probably so Ben can put an end to this madness. They, of course, think he's going to send one of them home.  I'm going out on a limb and saying, I think he sees an easy way to drop them off without airfare.  Nope, he's sending Haley home -- or leaving her there, since they're at her mom's.  Emily goes off in the limo and leaves her sister behind.  That sucks. Finally though, we see the real them and not just the vapid act they put on.

 At the cocktail party, Olivia steals him yet again for her latest version of "Canklegate."  Ben has had it with her neuroses.  As we all have.  Go. Away!

Going home:  Amber (good, she was a mean girl this season who picked on Jubilee -- girl, she's a Vet, she could take you out!) She curls up in a fetal position and comes to the conclusion that television is probably not the place for her to find romance.  

Rachel -- who hasn't gotten enough screen time for us to miss.

Next week they're showing Jubilee becoming a little undone.  This is not what I want to see.  : ( 


#TheBachelorette Finally

I am making my way through the Bachelorette, but it is hard-going. I'm still having trouble telling one guy from the next, so forgive me, but my attention wanders.

The comedy night was enjoyable watching Amy Schumer take down J.J. -- there's nothing better than watching someone who needs a healthy dose of humility eat humble pie. Amy served it up.

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I didn't get the underwater date. That was weird, but Kaitlyn used it as an opportunity to kiss another guy. As far as she's concerned this is the salad bar of dating, and she's going to taste everything.

Now, onto Tony, who is a "healer" -- since he's probably not an Anime character, I'm going to assume he does some kind of New Age job. He tells Kaitlyn he was afraid of her. "Why?" she asks. (Because I'm ugly and have never had a girlfriend -- just kidding, that was my daughter's answer for him.) For a guy who is so in touch with listening to signs from the universe, he is apparently deaf about their "connection." I think the universe should send lightning next time. He gets into a long conversation with himself about how interesting he is. It's a level he's been craving. Let me translate. "I do all the talking and she just looks at me like I'm nuts and I discern this as love and admiration. We're all good here!"


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Now, there's a single dad who says, "I want to know everything about you." Does that creep anyone else out? I would hate a guy saying that to me. You know, chill dude. He has a 3 year old daughter and I don't know his name. Oh, it's J.J. The guy who got schooled by Amy, and he gets the rose. Wow, she has some bad taste!

Then, another guy takes her outside and makes out with her. Okay, do you remember that girl in seventh grade who went outside the party with every guy? I mean, I'm having flashbacks here. This last one is Joe, and he's says it's the perfect night with the perfect person.

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J.J. being the consummate jerk he seems to be enjoys watching everyone else squirm without a rose. Classic. What a catch. I would love to watch this show with his ex. I bet she could add some real insight.

I really like Ian. He's a quality human being and when he's with Kaitlyn, I like her more. So he's a front-runner for me, but my favorite is definitely the guy with the bulldogs, because I love bulldogs and he made me laugh.
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Kaitlyn gets into an awkward confrontation with Kupah. They're just missing each other and don't communicate well. Next. Oh wait, no. He gets ugly. He's not emotionally balanced in my opinion -- first action is to go on the attack. Not a good sign. He. Needs. To. Stop. Talking.

But he doesn't, so he's going home. Kupah is losing his *&*&


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Maybe next week, I'll have a better idea of the guys, but wow...so far, there aren't a lot of keepers.


#TheBachelorFinale Part II

WHITNEY

Their last date is, wait for it, picking corn. I'm not sure how there is corn in all that brown but Whitney acts like she's spending the day in Fiji so it hardly matters. She squeals her excitement while the combine does its thing. She starts to cry telling us this could be her future. Girl, I feel ya. I'd cry about that too.

Now they're headed to his place. He explains how the house is a blank slate. (Um, too easy. Never mind.) She's ready to move in and begins to narrate how everything is in this moment. This was the key. She's been waiting to get "here" and it feels right. Chris is trying to be convinced. He's waiting for that lightbulb moment where he knows Whitney is the one. Is he waiting for Becca to tell him?

He asks Whitney what makes her so certain. Still on a job interview, Whitney answers, "I'm glad you asked that question." The, more blah blah blah. Chris tells her he's excited about being in this place. Then, they kiss awkwardly. I'm so not into this couple, can you tell? They have the passion of paint.

Now we're at the finale moment...on the farm...in a barn. Let the romance begin! He's standing in a barn where he raised his first pig. Be still my heart!!


Opener
(Prissy Pig & Poppleton -- I follow them on Instagram #ReallyIDo)

As he waits to say goodbye to Becca --he says he hopes he's making the right choice. Just what every woman expecting an engagement ring wants to hear. I have never understood the sweet speech before the bachelor gets ready to dump someone, but that's what we have going on. He tells her he has to go with his heart and his gut (and go for the low-hanging fruit because he's lazy and full of fear.)

As a romance author, I abhor when someone picks the practical over love. Becca gives the sweetest speech and says he's going to be an amazing husband and right there, he knows he's made the easy/wrong choice because Becca is like, "Yeah. Do what you gotta do." It's by far the warmest Bachelor goodbye in history. Once in the limo, Becca proves why she's the catch of the century and she'll be fine. I don't think she was just confused. I think she needed more time to process her feelings and waiting isn't going to hurt her.

We're back at the barn. Which is decorated like a bad Sadie Hawkins/Cracker Barrel and still looks...exactly like a barn.


FullSizeRender (4)

Whitney is shaking when she arrives. She is so worried it's not her that I actually see a glimpse of the "REAL" her finally. She is human and there might be more to her than we saw due to editing. He seems far more certain than he's been, which makes me wonder if it was editing all along. He finally tells her he loves her and we worry she might implode.

But then...there's more. He bends down on one knee and hands her a Neil Lane that might make Iowa worth it. Dang!


Engagement-ring-the-bachelor

They show them in the barn and do an overview of the expanse of corn fields. Seriously, that ring would just get caught on the washer. I speak from experience. Anyway, I feel meh. Did you feel more romance?


#TheBachelorFinale Part I

First, let't start with how ridiculous it is to have a three hour finale. They're in Iowa. Nothing has happened worth watching for three hours in Iowa since...I don't know. has anything ever happened in Iowa?

Next, let's discuss how we want to buy Chris Harrison a new cache of adjectives. "Most Dramatic" and "amazing" definitely need to go.

WHITNEY VS. BECCA
Chris Soules is "in trouble" --basically, we know Whitney is the "sure thing." She's all-in. Becca. Well, he might actually have to put some effort into her, and we're seeing that Chris is a bit passive, so that's probably a deal breaker.

WHITNEY
One reason I'm glad Whitney is in the finale is that there is no chance of her being the next Bachelorette and us having to listen to that voice for much longer. Whitney chooses a plaid romper for her date. She is selling herself hard to the family. She doesn't come up for air and manages to make herself cry on cue. She does feel like she's fooled the sisters. I mean, sold.

Detour: Does anyone else feel like Chris has completely sold out on this whole "Iowa" business when he's signed up for "Dancing with the Stars?" To me, it's kind of a betrayal to the whole "I need someone who can live in Arlington" narrative.

Chris' sister points out that Whitney is ready. That she's lovely, but because Chris can't articulate what he loves about her maybe that's a red flag. Or maybe Chris can't articulate the difference between a cornstalk and his pants...

Chris' mother asks why Whitney loves her son. This woman could sell ice cubes to an eskimo and turns on the tears. Chris' mother will love anyone he brings home. She's just good people. Whitney leaves confident she's locked this thing down.

BECCA

When asked about Becca, Chris can articulate what he loves about her.
1. Great sense of humor
2. Great person
3. Great head on her shoulders
4. Knows what she wants

Compared to Whitney:
1. She's willing to move here now.

Chris' family is a little more direct with Becca and it's pretty obvious they are rooting for Whitney at this point. Which means Chris, who has no will of his own, will most likely pick Whitney.

Becca gets grilled by the sisters and points out, look I know that Whitney is ready to come here and have babies. I'm still sorting out that the post office is your entire downtown. Becca basically says she's waiting to see where this goes --ie., she's not ready and won't be rushed. They've judged her as a California girl already. Yeah, what of it, Iowa chicks? We have a song about us, so forget your judgmental garbage.

The sisters, continuing with their extremely bad advice, tell Chis he needs to push Becca. I'm sorry, have you met your brother? Chris is calmer about the situation and it seems, willing to wait it out.

Chris' mom is lovely and she asks Becca what she loves about her son. Becca is honest enough to say she's not at the point where she's in love with him. Which, if I'm reading between the lines, I would say mom blames on her being from California. But maybe I'm just sensitive. Mom basically tells Becca she is in love with Chris --she just doesn't know what to call it. Their conversion is honest and raw. Not shallow and "all the right words" like we got from Whitney. I love how Becca asks for advice, and Chris' mom offers great words of wisdom. Mom claims, "I don't think she recognizes that what she's feeling for Chris is love."

Right now, I'm thinking if Chris picks Whitney, maybe "Dancing with the Stars" will break them and Becca will be ready. The family discusses it and the BIL has the right answer, "This is not an analytical question." So true. Love is often the "wrong choice."

Chris' father says "I think Whitney is the sure thing, but Becca is who Chris wants." Ouch.

My DVR didn't tape (COMCAST!!) So I'm having to sit through commercials. Sigh.