The Bachelor opens at some cheesy theme party restaurant where wannabe actors must humiliate themselves to make a living while waiting to break into Hollywood. They dress up as pirates and put on a show. It's horrifying and it makes me very glad my kids are past this age.
Caelynn and Hannah talk again about their fake beauty pageant drama and up their rivalry. Then, they dress like tramps and have a competition where they try and "beat" each other with a padded board off the 'plank.' Caelynn is the winner of this fake competition and goes off with dread pirate Colton. Hannah B is left in the audience visually seething and plotting poisonous ideas in her mind.
Demi is ridiculous and such a producer-pick. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard and she seems to have an obsession with the "cougars" ie., anyone older than 27. She tells us she is the only one who excites Colton and makes him nervous. Courtney tries to talk to Demi and give her a clue, but she's not having it. She is here to grow her Instagram followers and maybe get a villain guest appearance on "Riverdale."
CAELYNN & HANNAH B
Caelynn talks to Colton and I have to say for playing his "V" card up so much, he's a very handsy dude. Meanwhile, Hannah B is stalker-watching them and making herself turn into single white female. She then decides it's a good idea to approach Colton with the passive-aggressive ultimatum, "If you like her, you can't like me." Which after their awful date, you'd think she'd wait this one out. Caelynn acts ignorant of this rivalry because she is in it to win it. She then gets the group date rose. "He is fixing to beef with people!" My daughter says.
ONE-ON-ONE WITH ELYSE
Elyse is the gorgeous redhead. They're going to Belmont Park in San Diego. Colton announces it's not a one-on-on and then a few children come screaming around the corner. They're all from a local hospital and it's so sweet. They're both so good with the kids and it's nice to see his charity at work. It gets kids out of the hospital. How amazing is that?
They enter a grand ballroom, which has "private concert" written all over it. Elyse tells the excruciating story of losing her sister -- who carried her baby to term with cancer. The baby was born, but her sister passed. It's nice that both of them can connect on the hardships they've endured. Then, surprise they get a concert by Tenille Arts.
My daughter says she is not disappointed in how many shirtless shots they are showing of Colton. Now he's working out when the group date arrives and everyone gets a shirtless hug. Oh my gosh, it's Terry Crews and his wife. I LOOOVE Terry Crews. But this "workout" date is my nightmare. The "strongest" woman wins. Fred Willard is there to call it Now I want to watch "Best in Show." Who wants to get gross on a date?
Elle says this is her future. Showing up for "Bachelor" competitions in the audience. They play the "Six Million Dollar Man" music, which is unfortunate because no one knows what that sound is anymore. Onyeka won and still looks good. She's a beast, good on her! They take off in the limo.
Then he sent Caitlin home for some unknown reason before the rose ceremony. How utterly humiliating. He said he didn't feel the spark. Dang, that's brutal. Nicole gets the group date rose.
There's a pool party. It's boring. Fake drama. Fast forward. We stop at Caelynn starts talking crap about Hannah B to Colton because she's clearly never seen the show before. I don't know that Hannah B is smart enough to be the manipulator that Caelynn calls her: Toxic. Deceitful. Manipulative. I think I'm going Hannah B on this one. I think she's got serious self-esteem issues, but I think it's the other one who is a problem. Opinions?
I don't know why Colton is acting like this is rocket science. Just wait it out. Instead, he's talking to Dr. Chris, who of course, has OUR best interest in mind--and that means drama.
I made it through a whole show!! Yay me!
I have no idea who went home. LOL